Walk In The Rain With Me: family

Happy Mother's Day!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

There are 26 letters in the English alphabet. Put together, these make up the 1,000,000+ words in the English language, which can be combined in an almost infinite number of possibilities to create books, magazines, billboards, blog posts... And yet it seems there are simply not enough words to express what I would like about the amazing woman I have been blessed with the privilege of calling Mommy.

I have never been a mom, and I am not entirely sure I ever will be, but I can still say with certainty that being a mom is one of the hardest, most important jobs there is. I don't care what "kind" of mom you are- whether you stay at home or have an office job, whether you have one kid or seven- you have a very difficult position to fill.

There is so much pressure to be the perfect mom. It seems you're expected to have it all together. With a house that looks like it popped right off of someone's Pinterest board, a body that shows no signs of childbearing, and a kitchen that always smells of something good.

But the reality is... real-life usually doesn't look that way. Real-life is messy. It's exhausting. It's difficult. And it doesn't always turn out the way we hoped it would be.

And that's discouraging.

So to all of the mothers out there today, I just want to say...

Thank you.

Thank you for the many, many things you do that make the world a better place. We don't always tell you how much we appreciate you, but we really, really do. We could not survive without you.

...

I have been blessed with an incredible mother to celebrate with.

My mom is amazing, and I cannot even imagine what my life would be like without her. I am so thankful for all of the help and support she has given me over the years, and everything that she has done and continues to do for our family.

She has sacrificed so much for us, and I know that she could never get all of the thanks she deserves. She has been there through every dance recital and theater practice. During every doctor's visit and ER trip. Through grief and tragedy, laughter and joy...

And I know that she's not perfect. I know that she sometimes gets discouraged. I know there are times when she wishes she could have done something more.

But Mommy... It's okay. We know how much you love us. And I hope this helps you remember- today and every day- that no matter what happens...

You are loved, too.

...

Share this with the Moms in your life!

Christmas

Don't "Survive" the Holidays!

Monday, December 15, 2014

It seems everyone is looking for "ways to survive the Holidays" this year. In fact, the holiday season has become almost synonymous with stress.

But is that how it should be?

I would say no, and I'm sure almost everyone would agree with me. Most people lament the fact that they never have time to really sit back and enjoy the holidays... So why do we persist in creating such a stress-filled season?

Perhaps it's because we have lost sight of what's most important.

This season should be a time of joy, peace, and celebration with the people you love.

We shouldn't be surviving the holidays...

We should be enjoying them.

But how can we do that when everything is so stressful? With the crazy-busy schedules you're trying to balance, the gifts you're trying to buy, the long-lines at the store, the cranky relatives, and all the other negatives that make this season so stressful...

How could you ever find a way to enjoy it?

Well, I can't pretend to have all the answers, but here are my three biggest suggestions for enjoying your December.

1. Don't focus so much on the things you can't have. Stop dwelling upon the fact that you don't have the money to buy a bigger tree, or set up a huge yard display, or buy tons of fancy gifts for your kids. Instead, take time out to remember all of the things you do have. Because I'm sure, if you look around, there really is so much to be thankful for.

2. Don't stress over the little things. Traffic is annoying, store-clerks aren't always as efficient as you would like them to be, and sometimes a batch of cookies gets burnt. Do not obsess over the things that go wrong. Instead, take a deep breath, remind yourself that these things happen, and move on.

3. Remember the reason we celebrate at all. Regardless of the origins of the holiday, and regardless of what society has made of it, we celebrate because of what Jesus did for us. We celebrate because we have hope.

This week, I want to encourage you to look beyond the stress of the season and remember to enjoy it.

...

Do you get stressed-out by the holiday season? What are your tips for making it less overwhelming? Be sure to share your response in the comment section below, over at my Facebook page, or you can email it to me at anastasiarosewrites@gmail.com.

Also, be sure to email me your holiday-themed guest post! I'd love to feature your work here on my blog, but the season is almost over, so get it in soon.

family

In the Eyes of a Child..

Monday, December 01, 2014

family

When Thanksgiving Can't Be About Food

Saturday, November 29, 2014

I'm sure everyone (meaning all the Americans) noticed that Thursday was Thanksgiving day. A day on which we traditionally take time out to recognize how blessed we are by spending time with family and friends.

But I think we all know what the really big thing about Thanksgiving actually is. The thing that immediately comes to mind when someone says "Thanksgiving."

That's right- the food.

I have yet to meet someone who said they didn't love Thanksgiving food, and I am no different.

The Thanksgiving meal has always been a highlight of the year for me. Most of the stuff on the table isn't stuff we eat very often. Turkey is a rarity at our house, and sweet potato casserole just doesn't exist outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Plus, you usually don't have to worry about people telling you there are too many starches on your plate.

But what happens when Thanksgiving can't be about food?

As many of you know, I have been diagnosed with something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS. EDS is a genetic disorder in which your body produces faulty collagen that cannot do its job.

Because collagen is present all over your body, the symptoms are, too. My joints are unstable and in pain. My blood vessels cannot contract correctly to control blood-flow, which causes me to faint. My skin is slightly more stretchy than normal, and bruises quite easily.

But the most troubling symptoms at the moment are actually all of the stomach issues I experience on a daily basis. Pain, nausea, and lack of appetite are all things I struggle with, plus some other stuff that I'm not going to mention right now.

All of this combined means that mealtimes are especially difficult for me. I almost never feel hungry, and when I do try to eat, every mouth-full is a fight in and of itself. I don't want to eat because when I look at that plate, all I see is that, in about fifteen minutes, I'm going to feel terrible.

I love food, but I don't love eating.

And that's what everyone was doing on Thanksgiving Day- eating. All of my favorite foods were there. The house smelled delicious. The table was set. I really wanted to eat like a normal person does.

But I just couldn't.

At first, it really felt like Thanksgiving had been ruined. I couldn't enjoy the turkey, or the several different kinds of pie. I couldn't eat seconds and thirds of sweet potato casserole. I didn't get to try everything that I wanted to. And I still felt terrible after my little plate of lunch.

I was feeling pretty disappointed. But by the end of the day, I realized that this was actually a blessing in disguise. If I was going to enjoy Thanksgiving, I was going to have to enjoy it for some other reason than just because of the food.

When Thanksgiving isn't about the food, you have no choice but to make it about something else.

Spending time with family is a bigger deal when you can't eat. Sitting around the table talking is more important when food isn't. And you're more thankful for what you can eat when there's more stuff that you can't.

I know the holiday is technically over now, and you're probably preparing for Christmas already, but Thanksgiving isn't just a day- it's a lifestyle. So as the weeks get crazier and crazier, take some advice from William Wordsworth:

"Rest and be thankful." -William Wordsworth

___

What little things are you most thankful for this season? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comment section below or over at my Facebook page. Additionally, you can now email me at anastasiarosewrites@gmail.com!

family

Invisible Illness Week- Just One... Pt. 1

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

family

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

"Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father." -Lydia Maria Francis Child

Dear Daddy,

It's Father's Day- the day we celebrate Dads. And you know what that means? I'm celebrating you. And you know what one of the best ways to celebrate someone is? To thank them. So...

Thank you, Daddy! Thank you for reading bedtime stories to me, even when I fell asleep. Thank you for all of the times you carried me to bed and tucked me in. Thank you for introducing me to such classics as Narnia, Wrinkle in Time, and Lord of the Rings. Thank you for not making me watch Watership Down. But most of all, thank you for just being my Daddy.

I still remember the first time you ever said "I don't know." I was pretty small at the time (and I'm certain you've said it plenty of times since), and I was simply shocked that there might be something you didn't know. It had never even occurred to me that you might not know everything.

Daddy, I realize you're not perfect. I realize that you sometimes get mad, or have a bad day. I realize that life can get you down. You're only human, after all! But you're still my amazing Daddy. You still love me so much, and I still love you. Being your daughter is such a joy, and I cannot imagine life without you.

Thank you for constantly reminding me how much you love me- whether it is from a hug, a pat on the head, or taking me to see the new X-Men movie. I can see your love for me and all of our family in so many different ways, one of the biggest being your empathy. I know that you hurt when I hurt- which has been all too frequently this past year.

Thank you for all of the prayers when I can't sleep, and the gentle hugs on those days when "even my hair hurts." Thank you for all of the heartfelt conversations. Thank you for every little moment spent on the couch. Thank you for working so hard every day so that we have everything we need, and even some things that we don't.

Daddy, no matter what happens, or how the future years turn out, I will always love you. You have taught me so much, and I cannot say thank you enough. I love you!

Because I just had to... :)

family

To My Mommy

Saturday, May 10, 2014

“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.” -Jane Sellman

Dear Mommy,

Mother's Day is here, and I don't think even a novel could really cover everything I want to say. This year has been a crazy one, and has reminded me how thankful and blessed I am to be your daughter.

Mommy, you are awesome. Thank you for letting me call you Mommy, and not ma'am. Thank you for making me laugh when I'm feeling down. Thank you for making so many wonderful memories with me. Thank you for putting up with all the insane dance and theater schedules, and for pushing me to get over my fear so that I could do something you knew I would enjoy. But most of all, thank you for always being there.

You've been with me through every doctor's appointment and every doctor's bill. You've been with me when I was dancing on the stage, and when I was curled up on the couch feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Through every popping joint, every upset stomach, every poke with a needle... You were there.

No matter what I'm going through, I know that you're right beside me. You tell me that it's going to be OK. You make me laugh, but you also remind me that it's alright to cry sometimes. You remind me take my medicine and drink plenty of water, and you always forgive me when I forget something. Even when it was important!

Mommy, you inspire me. I know that you don't always get the thanks and appreciation you deserve. (If you did, we would give you a paycheck!) You have one of the hardest jobs in the world- being a mom. But you keep on doing it. No matter how many times you threaten to run off and join the circus, you're still here. And you still love us. And you still care for us.

When I look at how much you have to deal with every day- sick kids, stinky diapers, whining, messiness, and a constant list of things to do- I am amazed. Amazed that you manage to not go completely insane. Amazed that you never give up. And amazed that you do it so well.

Mommy, you have taught me so much over the years, and you continue to teach me each and every day. You teach me about life, and about happiness. You teach me what it means to be a mother, and to love unconditionally. You teach me that every gift is appreciated, no matter the price-tag attached to it. You teach me to be independent, even though I know you would love for me to always be little.

You have always encouraged me to do and be the best that I can, both in dance and in life. And yet you also remind me that sometimes, things happen. Sometimes we don't win. And that's OK. Because you've always loved me, and you always will. You have taught how to lose with grace, while still reminding me that to you, I'll always be a winner.

Mommy, if ever I am a mother, I hope I can be just a little bit like you. Thanks for being part of my life, and for being such an amazing mom. Words cannot contain how much I love you. Love is really more of an open door anyways, so I'll just leave it at that.

I love you, Mommy!

Thank you for not naming me phone!

family

Sister, Sister!

Monday, March 10, 2014

"Sister ... She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child." -Barbara Alpert

I don't watch much television- mostly because we don't actually get channels to watch. DVDs and tapes sure, but not channels. However, we occasionally decide that we actually want to watch a television series, so we go out of our way to make sure we actually do. Sometimes we invite ourselves over to people's houses to watch it on their Netflix, or even as it simply appears on the television. And sometimes we rent or buy the DVDs as quickly as we possibly can.

That's what we've been doing with Downton Abbey lately. In fact, we finished the first season just a few days ago. After finishing the season, I felt an overwhelming sense of appreciation for my sister, as well as a compulsion to be extremely nice to her.

For any of you who haven't seen Downton Abbey, I'll do my best to explain what I mean without spoiling anything for you should you decide to go watch it for yourself. (So far, it's been pretty interesting. For the most part, good story-telling, the acting is good, cinematography is good... There has been at least one scene that we skipped, but overall, it's been good, I'd say. And certainly intriguing.)

Well, there are these two sisters... They don't get along very well. And when I say they don't get along, I'm not talking just petty arguing, bickering or clash-of-wills. No, that I've seen plenty- it still bothers me to no end of course, but I've mostly learned to ignore it. No, this is taking sibling rivalry to a whole new level. Let me lay it out for you... Sister #1 is popular, so Sister #2 gets slightly sulky. This leads to #1 showing-off to rub it in #2's face, so #2 tries to outdo #1, so #1 tries harder than before and crushes #2's hopes, so #2 ruins #1's reputation, so #1 ruins #2's hopes of marriage.

Convoluted, huh? Well, that basically sums up what we've seen so far without actually mentioning any of the circumstances involved. At the end of the season finale, I was left pondering the tragic story of these two sisters, and genuinely thanking God that this is such a far cry from the relationship I have with any of my sisters.

____

Of course, I have my Kharis. My older sister. If we were the sisters in the story, I would have ruined her reputation and she'd have ruined my marriage. Terribly sad, I must say. We'd have been pretty much off speaking terms by now, and probably hated each others guts.

Which is why I am so grateful that we are not those sisters.

My sister is my best friend. She is my roommate (for now), my frequent traveling companion (in spite of the fact that I'm not always hers anymore), my partner in crime (or, rather, the mastermind behind it all), my free counselor (it comes with the job, I think), and my shoulder to cry on (sometimes). I could not have created a better sister for me. I would have tried to make her too much like me.

Some people might find that funny, because they already see us as practically twins anyways. (Ha!) They seem to be under the impression that because we have similar faces, we ought to be the same on the inside, too. That perhaps we are two cookies made from the same batch of dough.

But God never uses the same dough twice. Sure, he may use similar recipes for some of us, but we all have our own little quirks and oddities. A pinch more salt, huge heaps of chocolate chips, or a bit less flour than normal. It's what makes us special.

If I had planned it out, we would both have a similar personality- quiet, laid back, easy going, humorous, etc. Well, if I had planned it, we would never get anything done.

____

Then, I have my Zoe. Our wild child. She and I have a slightly strained relationship at the moment. We are so very different, and our needs tend to conflict. I am certain we are both to blame for the fact that we tend to have a hard time getting along.

As for me, I tend to be more irritable of late, and have difficulty letting go of things that once wouldn't have bothered me much at all. The constant strain of being sick and tried all of the time makes it very hard to keep cool in frustrating situations.

And unfortunately for both of us, Zoe is going through a phase where she seems to enjoy frustrating people on purpose. Or perhaps she just doesn't think things through before she does them. Whatever the case, my irritability mixed with her "phase" makes it very difficult to spend time together and not come away feeling very frustrated.

But in spite of the fact that we don't get along as well as we used to, we still love each other. We still have our special moments, and we still enjoy each other. We can be in the same room without arguing, and we don't purposefully hurt each other.

I am very hopeful that we will get closer as time goes on, and as we both grow older. Age gets less important as you get older, and the gap between us seems smaller each year. Perhaps then we will get along a bit better.

But even before then, I cherish each day that I have with her. Because I know that I can never get back any of the years the go by, and I do not want to waste a single one with her. Already, she has gotten so big. I remember when she was just born, and when she still sat in a high-chair, and when she was learning to read. I remember her first Christmas, and her first birthday.

And now she's nine years old...

____

Lastly, there's my Shiloh. Sweet, little Shiloh.

It seems only yesterday that she came home from the hospital, but already she's nearly two. Where does the time go? I couldn't tell you.

She has such a personality, and I have enjoyed watching her grow. She is discovering new things about the world everyday, and loves to explore. She loves to laugh, and make other people laugh. She also loves experimenting with the different noises she can make, and sometimes mimics the noises others make to her.

Every day is something new when there's a toddler in the house, and it's no different for us. I cherish each memory we make, every funny thing I see her do, and every day we have together. Someday, she'll be too big for the stroller. Someday, she'll use ALL real words.

So until then, I'm going to make the most of this time we have together. The slobbery kisses, the unintelligible conversations, and the sweet laughter of a small child.

____

What about you? What do you take for granted?....

family

Words from a POTSie- Pt. 3

Saturday, December 21, 2013

"The joy you bring us is so much greater than the sadness we feel about your illness." -John Green

I have said already (both HERE and HERE) that illness is hard. Both of these posts were focused on how hard illness is for the sick person. But illness is especially hard on the family as well. It's so very hard to see people you love hurting, and knowing that you can't help them is even harder.

In my last post, I did a list of Ten Tips to (and from!) a Spoonie. This time though, I wanted to do something a little different. So here you go...

Ten Tips to (and from!) a Spoonie: Family & Friends Edition

1. None of this is your fault. Just as we Spoonies shouldn't blame ourselves for our illness, you can't blame yourself for our illness, either. Nothing that you did or didn't do for us has made us like this. We just are.

2. We are hurting... Please remember that we don't want to be this way. All of those times when we don't unload the dishwasher like we should? As strange as it may sound, we probably wanted to. We want to help, but some days we just can't. And that hurts us even more.

3. ... but we know you're hurting, too. Sometimes we have a hard time showing it, but we know this is hard for you, too. We know we're not the only ones who are struggling through this.

4. Have a life. Please don't let us and our illness keep you from living. We know you have a life apart from our problems, and we want you to experience it. We want you to have fun. We want you to keep doing the things you enjoy. So get there and do them!

5. Know your Spoonie-speak. We Spoonies say "I'm fine" a lot, and it's always a lie. "I'm fine" is Spoonie-speak for "I'm not really fine." Because when we're really fine, we don't use words like fine. We use words like "great" or "really good." Also, "I need help" is NOT an over-exaggeration. "I need help" means "I REALLY need help!"

6. Please don't be afraid of us. Yes, we can be very needy, but please don't let that drive you away. We still want to be your friend, and we still love you just as much as we did before we were sick. Please don't worry that you'll damage us in some way. As fragile as we may seem, we're made of tougher stuff than you think.

7. We know you have problems, too. You might be tempted to hide your problems in the face of what you see us going through. Please don't. We do have our problems, and most days they are more than enough, but we know we're not the only ones suffering. We know you have issues that are unrelated to our illness. And it's OK to tell us about them. It really is.

8. Sometimes, it's best not to ask. It's so very hard to answer the question "Are you feeling better?" In truth, we usually are not. Or if we were, we would tell you first. So most times, it's just best not to ask. If you really want to know how we're feeling, ask. But don't ask if we're "feeling better", because we know you want to hear the word yes.

9. We need you. We could never do this without you. You are an integral part of our world, and we cannot imagine it without you.

10. You are amazing.

We cannot fully express (and you cannot fully comprehend) just how grateful we are that you're still here. That through every doctor's visit, through every bad day you have been there. Not just everyone can do what you do. Not just everyone knows how to love someone who is so very broken. But you do. And for that, you are amazing.

anxiety

Where Have the Years Gone?

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

“I think I might understand the way time works: how its passing is impossible to see but when it's gone, you feel it.” - Lysley Tenorio

Time is a funny thing. It has a way of seeming to pass so slowly in the moment, and yet eventually you look back and wonder where it's gone. Each day may well seem as long as a lifetime, yet as more and more go by, you look back and see that you have come so much farther than you thought you had. You think about things happening in three years and think, "Oh! That's a long time from now. I have a while." But if you look back to three years ago, you realize that it hardly seems to have taken a week.

When people used to talk about how time passed so quickly, I would think to myself, "Ha! I don't know what world you're living in, but it's sure not the same as mine! Things always come so slowly in my world. I wish time passed quickly!" As I have grown older, though, my perception of things has changed. I don't know exactly what it is about getting older, but time seems to just fly by so quickly you can hardly keep up. While days may feel exceedingly long, all put together they seem shorter than each individual day. (A bit like the stable from The Last Battle, but in reverse. Instead of being larger inside than outside, it's smaller inside that outside. (Did that even make sense?))

I guess I haven't really said what it was that has made me realize how much time has passed. It's not really one incident, but a collection of happenings put together. In fact, I am reminded of it on an almost daily basis.

Today, my not-so-little sister made cookies. Nearly all by herself. The only things I did were call out ingredients, help with stirring, and take it out of the oven. I still remember when she was born. I remember holding her for the first time. I remember her first birthday, and her first Christmas. (Not that she did much that first Christmas.) I remember her first year of dance. So many “firsts.” And now she's getting so grown up! She does things on her own, she is independent and has a mind that never ceases to amaze.

Another reminder of the passing of time is at the exact opposite end of the spectrum. The end that makes me feel so young still. My older sister. With her, instead of thinking so much about her “firsts”, I am thinking about how many “lasts” there are now. Her last year of high-school. Her last year of dance. Her last few years as a teenager. Her last year to share a room with me. Last, last, last. A whole chapter out of both of our lives is finishing. And once it's finished it's... finished.

It's kind of a scary thought, actually. Like coming to a fork in the road that's covered in fog and realizing that my sister and I are both headed somewhere different. I know that may seem a bit melodramatic, but it's how it feels.

It's easy sometimes (especially when I'm feeling down or stressed already) to let the thought of her going away really freak me out. Sometimes I can't help but think, "Oh my gosh! I'll be all by myself! Who will I talk to all the time? Who will I laugh with? Who will I run all my ideas by?" It's at times like that when I have to sort of stop my brain, take a deep breath, and remember that it will be OK. My world will not fall apart. She's not leaving forever. She's not running off never to be seen or heard from again. She'll come visit. We'll still email. If I start working on it now, we might even talk on the phone. Imagine that, huh?! (Did you hear that, Daddy? I just suggested talking on the phone for fun! You should be proud of me.)

And even though it might seem like it now, it's not like everyone is going away. I'll still have my Mommy and Daddy. I'll still have my friends. I'll still have my other siblings. And above all, I'll still have God. Or, rather, God will still have me. No matter who else in my life moves on, He will always be there. No matter how many people "leave" me (even though my sister isn't really leaving), God isn't going anywhere.

And in the moments where I feel like worrying, that's what I hold onto. That everything will be OK, that not everyone is leaving, that my world is not going to fall apart, and that no matter who does "leave", God is still there.

family

A Revelation Moment

Friday, July 05, 2013

"My notes always shine, boy! A pity the rest of the world doesn't see it." -Eoin Colfer, Airman

Have you ever had a sudden revelation? Has an idea or thought ever struck you so hard you thought you might fall over? Have you ever- in a single moment- figured out the answer to a problem you've been struggling with all your life, and never knew about until just then?

Well, I have now...

For any of you who know me personally (or even mostly through this blog), you will know that I have a sister. She is sixteen years old (turning seventeen in August, though let's not talk about that), and she is one of my closest friends. Some people might find it strange that a teenage girl actually thinks her older sister is her best friend, but it's true for me, and I'm so thankful. She is an amazing sister.

Anyways, she and I, apparently, look alike. Quite a bit alike, in fact. (Several times, people have asked if we were twins, though I honestly think that's taking it a bit far. I mean, really? Twins??? Tell me we don't look that much alike!!!) Aside from the fact that we both have brown hair and blue eyes, I don't see that much resemblance between us. People have assured me that we definitely look like siblings,which I suppose would make sense. (Us being siblings and all.)

So, there's this misconception that some people have of us. They seem to think that, since we look so much alike, we must be clones of each other.

And you know what? I think it's really annoying.

Always have, always will.

I mean, just because we may look alike, does not mean our interests or hobbies are the same. It also does not mean that we both react the same way to jokes, or that we appreciate the same things.

In fact, while we may be similar in some ways, for the most part we are completely different. She is an amazing artist, while I don't think I could draw like she can to save my life. I love to write poetry, and the one poem she wrote... well... she didn't like it very much. She is very good at leading and directing, and I much prefer to follow. She can figure out what needs to be done, while I need someone to tell me exactly what I should do. She's rather outgoing, and I'm much more introverted.

All of that being said, she and I were talking the other day. We said a lot of stuff (most of which I would never repeat on here), and had a great time. One of the many things we talked about was theater...

I've been doing this for nearly three years now. The whole time has been with one particular theater group, and I've gotten pretty close to some of the people there. Things have, over the years, changed quite a bit. (Things often do that.) People have left, new people have come, etc. Something big that has changed is the type of scripts we've been doing. I'm... not a fan of them. In fact, I got rather frustrated with the latest script.

I guess I did a little complaining, too.

Because of this (and other reasons), my mom suggested that we take the summer off. At first I was thinking, "Well, that's probably a good idea! Maybe we'll go back to doing scripts that I like."

But, the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized... I don't really want to quit. In fact, I don't want to quit at all. I hadn't realized how much I love doing theater (with those particular people) until I was thinking about a whole summer without it.

Of course, I told my sister what I'd been thinking about- how little I was looking forward to quitting- and she said something that surprised me. (Well, it surprised me at the time. Looking back I realize that it shouldn't have.) She said that she actually was ready for a break!

My sister, who has thrived on theater for the past three years, who has (in the past) gotten incredibly antsy when we missed theater two weeks in a row, who practically lived for theater, was ready for a break?!?!

How could this be?!?!

Well, like I said, I really should have seen it coming. Her last summer with theater was incredibly exhausting, and some other stuff since then has also just been a bit stressful for her.

After a moment or two of contemplation I said, sort of absentmindedly, "That's OK. You can quit. I don't need you there."

And that's when it hit me. It hit me so hard, my head literally jerked back like I'd been slapped in the face. My eyes got big. (I probably gasped, too, just like in the movies.) I was right.

I didn't need her.

That might sound really harsh and rude, and you might be a bit confused that I would call something like that a "sudden revelation" instead of "Ana being rude". However, you probably don't realize just how important that discovery was for me. (Or how monumental.)

My whole life (or at least, for almost as long as I can remember), I've always been really nervous about doing things on my own. Whether it was going to "Jungle Jam" (aka Children's church) at my grandma's church, or going to get the cart while we were in Wal-Mart, I always wanted my sister to come with me, and it disturbed me when she either couldn't or refused to come along. (I don't entirely know why, either. I guess it was because I like to follow people, and she usually was the leader. So, when I didn't have her to follow, it messed up the perfect balance of my world.) Even to this day, going to a party or a friend's house without her gives me butterflies, and I will go to certain lengths to prevent it.

So, for me to say that I didn't need her (and to actually believe it) was a huge thing for me. So huge, in fact, that I started laughing and crying. Not crying because I was laughing so hard- actually laughing and crying at once, but separately. (I thought that was something that only happened in books or movies, but apparently it's not.)

My sister, of course, was incredibly relieved. "Finally!" she said. "I've been waiting for that for ten years!!!"

Later, as I was writing about it in my journal, I got to thinking about it again. Why was that so important for me? Why did I feel like an incredible weight that I didn't realize I was carrying had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders?

And as I sat there, thinking back over my life, I realized something. Somehow, in the early years of my life, I had convinced myself that I needed my sister in order to function. And because of that, I told myself that if I didn't have her there with me, people wouldn't notice me, love me, or something. I had convinced myself, without even realizing it, that I somehow wasn't good enough, and that my sister made me so.

For all of my talk about being special, unique, and what-not, I was struggling with that very thing more than I ever knew.

I know I've said this before, but I'm saying it again- God knew what He was doing when He made you... well, you. You are special because God loves you, and He made you. You don't need to hang around someone else to be special. You are special to and for God. You shine! And if the rest of the world doesn't see that.. well, it's their loss!

family

This Is Home!!!

Monday, May 27, 2013

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May Is For Moms-

Sunday, May 12, 2013

"Very few writers thank their mothers for keen editorial insight. I'm proud to be the exception." -Rebecca Mekkai

May is the month for moms. And I think they really deserve it.

So, in honor of May, my Mommy, and mothers everywhere, I have decided to do a special addition post about moms. Each day or so until May 12th (which just-so-happens to be Mother's Day), I will add onto this post. Hopefully, by Mother's Day, it will be a really long and awesome post dedicated to my mom and mothers everywhere. So... have a wonderful time reading this super long post!

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April 30th, 2013

One of the things I want to do is tell you about my mom and what makes her so amazing. To do that, you need to know a little bit about our family.

First of all, I am the second out of five siblings. I have three sisters, and a brother. (Poor little guy!) My oldest sibling is sixteen. She's amazing, but we're not really here to talk about her. I am, as I have previously stated, fourteen. My next sibling is an eight year-old sister. My one-and-only brother is six, and last but not least, my littlest sister is nine months old. As I'm sure you can tell, my mom has her hands full. (And believe me, we are a handful!)

I think I forgot to mention that she is also a stay-at-home mom. She homeschools all of us except my littlest sister, who is obviously too young for schoolwork. I've been homeschooled pretty much my whole life. I was technically in a public school for a few years when I did an online school that was connected to the state system, but I don't think anyone except the state considers that public schooling.

I really appreciate the fact the my mom decided to homeschool me. I love getting to be a big part of my school planning, and having a lot of control over what I do. I love being able to sleep in (nearly) as late as I want. I love getting to miss out on all that bullying, and other stuff that goes on at a public school.

And I love that, in spite of being homeschooled, I never feel like I'm missing out on anything. I'm not old enough for prom yet, nor do I have a date, but my mom offered to create a prom setting for my older sister and her date (plus a few friends) if they so wished. She has taken us on field trips that, I think, could rival those of a public school. She has done a lot to make my school years the best they can be- both academically and extra-curricularly. (Is that even a word???)

Thank you so much, Mommy!

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May 1st, 2013

All of you teens out there who have been blessed with moms, this part of the post is for you, too.

It seems like so much these days, teens don't tell their moms "I love you" enough. Since when did loving your mom go out of style??? I should hate to see the day when loving your teen goes out style! (I should think you would too, anyone who's mom or dad graciously allows you to reside in their house!)
And hugs- what happened to those? Did they go extinct? Why is it suddenly embarrassing to be seen hugging your mom? What kind of idiot decided that once you reach the annoying- I mean, amazing age of 13, you should no longer hug or be seen in public with your mom?

So teens, I challenge you to just go do something nice for your Mommy this week. Tell her "I love you", take her on a nice date (or watch your younger siblings so she can go without you!), or even just give her a hug! I bet she would like that a lot. And maybe, while you're at it, put away the phone (or computer, or Kindle, or whatever), and just have a nice conversation with your mom. She wants to know what's going on in your life. Maybe you think it's nosy, but it's just because she loves you. (And I bet you'll want the exact same thing when you're a mom.)

Well, now that I'm done with my little tirade, I feel like I ought to keep you updated on my mad search for a Mother's Day present. I really want to do something special for my Mommy this year to let her know how much I love her. I understand that gifts aren't really the only way of doing that, but I do want to give her something nice. I'm thinking I'll crochet something, as well as write her a poem.

So, I guess that means I should go get started on that instead of writing about it...

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May 3rd, 2013

Well, I finally decided what I would give my mom for Mother's Day- an Amazon gift card. She gives me so much, and rarely gets to buy anything for herself. This way, she can get some nice book for her Kindle, or anything else she wants. I think I'll crochet a little envelope to put it in. And of course, a nice letter. (For anyone who doesn't know, I love writing and receiving letters!)

As we get closer to Mother's Day, I've really been thinking about my mom. About all of the things she does for me. It's amazing how much she really does. How much she deals with.
______

May 10th, 2013

Well it's been a pretty busy week. A lot of stuff has happened, and because of that, I haven't really had as much time as I'd have liked to work on this post.

I guess I just wanted to say something in case I don't have time to say it before Sunday- I love you, Mommy. You're amazing, and I couldn't ask for anyone better. I love the fact that you ask about me, even if sometimes it seems a little odd. I love the fact that you are always supportive of me. I appreciate the fact that you answer all of my strange questions. (At least, the best you can.) I'm so happy that you and Daddy are still together and going on dates for your anniversary. (Happy anniversary, by the way!)

I guess what I just want to say is thank you- for being my Mommy. I love you so much!
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May 11th

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so I decided to add one last post before it gets published.

I don't really have all that much to say except this- all of you who have mothers should give them a hug, today. If you can't give them a hug in person send them a card, or call them up to say I love you. Superheros don't wear capes. Mothers are superheros.

I love you Mommy!

Happy Mother's Day!

Don't "Survive" the Holidays!

In the Eyes of a Child..

When Thanksgiving Can't Be About Food

Invisible Illness Week- Just One... Pt. 1

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

To My Mommy

Sister, Sister!

Words from a POTSie- Pt. 3

Where Have the Years Gone?

A Revelation Moment

This Is Home!!!

May Is For Moms-

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