Walk In The Rain With Me: March 2014

Choosing Joy

Saturday, March 29, 2014

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day." Henri J. M. Nouwen

Joy- Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness

This is what you find if you look up the word joy in a dictionary. That is the widely accepted meaning of the word. But like so many beautiful things, joy is so much more than the simple definition.

We have this tendency to believe that joy and happiness are one and the same, but I don't think they are.

See, happiness is an emotion that is entirely dependent on circumstances. When good things happen (we eat a bar of chocolate, someone gives us a hug, we find a lost thing, etc.) we are happy. But when bad things happen (the car breaks down, we get sick, we end up late to work, etc.), our happiness is replaced by frustration, anger, sadness... We are emotional beings, and happiness (along with anger, sadness, and frustration) is an emotion.

But joy... joy is not an emotion. Joy is a fruit of the spirit. It is not dependent on our circumstances or the things around us. None of the other things that are the fruit of the spirit are dependent on circumstances , so why would joy be? I mean, you won't hear someone say, "Love everyone, but if something bad happens, it doesn't really matter." Alright- you might. But we know that's not true. ("A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 17:17. "Love your neighbor as yourself" Matthew 22:39. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor. 13:13...)

So many things that go on in life try to steal our joy from us- loss, suffering, depression, illness, fear, betrayal... But the Bible says "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4) God wants you to be joyful! To celebrate His love and grace and mercy. Why else would He give us feasts if not to remember the great and wonderful things He has done?!?!

I know from experience that it can be very hard to rejoice always. When you are sick or hurting, it is hard to see past the pain to recognize how much there is to rejoice about. But that's why we must fight for our joy! That's why we have to work together to remind each other of all the things we have to be joyful about- our salvation, the blessings God has given us, His everlasting mercy....

And that is why I love the new album by Rend Collective, and their video explaining the meaning behind it- because it sums up in just a few minutes everything that I have thought for a very long time!

Their whole album is beautiful, and a wonderful reminder of how much in life there is to rejoice over. How can anyone have a frown on their face while singing "My Lighthouse"? It's just not possible.

And that is also why I love the church that I and my family are a part of. Because it's not all doom and gloom. Everything doesn't have to be serious and reserved. No one frowns upon clapping, or singing off-key. It's OK to be undignified.

So go ahead. Jump up and down to your favorite song. Sing super-duper loudly. Celebrate all of the great things God has done for you! Because when you're focusing on all of your blessings, the hardship seems so small in comparison.

(Here's your chance to jump up and down!)

illness

Dear Healthy People

Thursday, March 27, 2014

"The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for." -Unknown

Greetings to all the healthy people of the world.

My name is Anastasia. I am fifteen years old, and I'm just like you, except for one thing: I have POTS.

You probably don't know what POTS is, because it's rarely diagnosed. POTS- postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome- is a subset of dysautonomia. Because it is such a complex illness, I cannot very easily tell you what it is. However, the hallmark symptom (and the criteria for getting a diagnosis) is that your heart rate speeds up at least 30 bpm on standing up.

POTS causes a slew of other problems along with the tachycardia, such as fainting, GI issues, pain, lightheadedness, fatigue, brain fog, headaches/migraines, blood pooling, heat intolerance, cold hands and feet, loss of appetite, muscle aches and pains, and more. Life is very tough when it seems that your body is committing treason...

I look at you, and remember what it was like to be healthy. I remember all that I used to do, and I am reminded of how different life is for me right now. I think about all the things I'm going to do when I'm healthy again.

And I'll admit it. Sometimes it hurts to see everyone else doing the things I wanted to do. Especially when you take it for granted. When you do something halfheartedly that I only wish I could do full out.

I know that you cannot fully understand, because I used to do the same thing. I didn't think anything of being healthy, because (other than an occasional cold) it was all I had ever really known. It was just... normal. And I know that's what it's like for you.

But I feel like it's my duty to put this out there- health is a gift. While you take it for granted, someone else is praying for it. Someone else would do almost anything to get it. I know that you can't understand, but please try. Try to imagine what it would be like to lose control of your own body. Put yourself in my shoes as best you can.

Don't get me wrong- I would never wish POTS (or any other chronic illness) on anyone. I am so glad that you aren't going through this too, because I know how hard it is.

Just... As you go about your day, try to remember how blessed you are. When things aren't going your way, think about the many gifts you've been given. Family, friends, health... little things like chocolate. Whatever it may be for you.

Maybe the world would be just a tiny bit better if we all tried harder to recognize how much we really have...

Sincerely,
A POTSie

family

Sister, Sister!

Monday, March 10, 2014

"Sister ... She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child." -Barbara Alpert

I don't watch much television- mostly because we don't actually get channels to watch. DVDs and tapes sure, but not channels. However, we occasionally decide that we actually want to watch a television series, so we go out of our way to make sure we actually do. Sometimes we invite ourselves over to people's houses to watch it on their Netflix, or even as it simply appears on the television. And sometimes we rent or buy the DVDs as quickly as we possibly can.

That's what we've been doing with Downton Abbey lately. In fact, we finished the first season just a few days ago. After finishing the season, I felt an overwhelming sense of appreciation for my sister, as well as a compulsion to be extremely nice to her.

For any of you who haven't seen Downton Abbey, I'll do my best to explain what I mean without spoiling anything for you should you decide to go watch it for yourself. (So far, it's been pretty interesting. For the most part, good story-telling, the acting is good, cinematography is good... There has been at least one scene that we skipped, but overall, it's been good, I'd say. And certainly intriguing.)

Well, there are these two sisters... They don't get along very well. And when I say they don't get along, I'm not talking just petty arguing, bickering or clash-of-wills. No, that I've seen plenty- it still bothers me to no end of course, but I've mostly learned to ignore it. No, this is taking sibling rivalry to a whole new level. Let me lay it out for you... Sister #1 is popular, so Sister #2 gets slightly sulky. This leads to #1 showing-off to rub it in #2's face, so #2 tries to outdo #1, so #1 tries harder than before and crushes #2's hopes, so #2 ruins #1's reputation, so #1 ruins #2's hopes of marriage.

Convoluted, huh? Well, that basically sums up what we've seen so far without actually mentioning any of the circumstances involved. At the end of the season finale, I was left pondering the tragic story of these two sisters, and genuinely thanking God that this is such a far cry from the relationship I have with any of my sisters.

____

Of course, I have my Kharis. My older sister. If we were the sisters in the story, I would have ruined her reputation and she'd have ruined my marriage. Terribly sad, I must say. We'd have been pretty much off speaking terms by now, and probably hated each others guts.

Which is why I am so grateful that we are not those sisters.

My sister is my best friend. She is my roommate (for now), my frequent traveling companion (in spite of the fact that I'm not always hers anymore), my partner in crime (or, rather, the mastermind behind it all), my free counselor (it comes with the job, I think), and my shoulder to cry on (sometimes). I could not have created a better sister for me. I would have tried to make her too much like me.

Some people might find that funny, because they already see us as practically twins anyways. (Ha!) They seem to be under the impression that because we have similar faces, we ought to be the same on the inside, too. That perhaps we are two cookies made from the same batch of dough.

But God never uses the same dough twice. Sure, he may use similar recipes for some of us, but we all have our own little quirks and oddities. A pinch more salt, huge heaps of chocolate chips, or a bit less flour than normal. It's what makes us special.

If I had planned it out, we would both have a similar personality- quiet, laid back, easy going, humorous, etc. Well, if I had planned it, we would never get anything done.

____

Then, I have my Zoe. Our wild child. She and I have a slightly strained relationship at the moment. We are so very different, and our needs tend to conflict. I am certain we are both to blame for the fact that we tend to have a hard time getting along.

As for me, I tend to be more irritable of late, and have difficulty letting go of things that once wouldn't have bothered me much at all. The constant strain of being sick and tried all of the time makes it very hard to keep cool in frustrating situations.

And unfortunately for both of us, Zoe is going through a phase where she seems to enjoy frustrating people on purpose. Or perhaps she just doesn't think things through before she does them. Whatever the case, my irritability mixed with her "phase" makes it very difficult to spend time together and not come away feeling very frustrated.

But in spite of the fact that we don't get along as well as we used to, we still love each other. We still have our special moments, and we still enjoy each other. We can be in the same room without arguing, and we don't purposefully hurt each other.

I am very hopeful that we will get closer as time goes on, and as we both grow older. Age gets less important as you get older, and the gap between us seems smaller each year. Perhaps then we will get along a bit better.

But even before then, I cherish each day that I have with her. Because I know that I can never get back any of the years the go by, and I do not want to waste a single one with her. Already, she has gotten so big. I remember when she was just born, and when she still sat in a high-chair, and when she was learning to read. I remember her first Christmas, and her first birthday.

And now she's nine years old...

____

Lastly, there's my Shiloh. Sweet, little Shiloh.

It seems only yesterday that she came home from the hospital, but already she's nearly two. Where does the time go? I couldn't tell you.

She has such a personality, and I have enjoyed watching her grow. She is discovering new things about the world everyday, and loves to explore. She loves to laugh, and make other people laugh. She also loves experimenting with the different noises she can make, and sometimes mimics the noises others make to her.

Every day is something new when there's a toddler in the house, and it's no different for us. I cherish each memory we make, every funny thing I see her do, and every day we have together. Someday, she'll be too big for the stroller. Someday, she'll use ALL real words.

So until then, I'm going to make the most of this time we have together. The slobbery kisses, the unintelligible conversations, and the sweet laughter of a small child.

____

What about you? What do you take for granted?....

illness

Dear POTS...

Sunday, March 02, 2014

"I'm smiling- not because I'm stronger than my problems, but because my God is stronger than my problems." -Unknown

Yes, I'm still alive.

I know, I know. Shocking, isn't it? Some days, I wonder. And yet, day after day, week after week, I continue to wake up and fight.

It feels like my body has betrayed me. It doesn't seem like this should be me at all. Where did the healthy, active, youthful 13 year old that I used to know go? And why? If anyone sees her, would you tell her I miss her? Tell her I never appreciated her enough. Tell her I'll do better this time. Tell her I've learned my lesson. Tell her I want her back...

When you have a chronic illness of any sort, it's very easy to get discouraged. People are always saying, "Hold on. Things will get better!" Sometimes, that statement makes me feel hopeful. It makes you feel happy, and encouraged. And some days, you just wonder if it really will...

That's the thing about "chronic". It means long-lasting, persistent, sometimes incurable. I know that healing is possible, and I trust that it will happen on God's time. But part of the whole "chronic illness" thing is accepting that maybe you weren't meant to be "normal." And what do you do in that event? You can choose to be miserable until you're better, or you can accept that it may not happen and be incredibly thankful when it does.

Guess which one I've chosen?

I've come to terms with the fact that maybe my plans for my life weren't God's plans. Or perhaps they're meant to come later. I've accepted that I may never get "better", and that my life may be a little different from most people's. I've accepted that my miracle healing may come some day, or not at all.

I have to.

This doesn't mean I've given up. This doesn't mean I don't have faith. This doesn't mean I don't believe it can happen. This doesn't mean I don't care anymore, or that I'm going to stop taking care of myself.

It means that I refuse to let my illness own me.

Because I am not my illness. I am not my limitations. I am not my inability or my weaknesses. This is not the end of my life, and I am not giving up. I am going to live my life as fully and completely as I am able. I am going to make the most of the time God has given me, and I am going to rejoice in the fact that I am not dying of my illness- even if it may feel like it sometimes.

Dear POTS... you don't own me.

(My new theme song...)

Choosing Joy

Dear Healthy People

Sister, Sister!

Dear POTS...

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