Dear POTS...

Sunday, March 02, 2014

"I'm smiling- not because I'm stronger than my problems, but because my God is stronger than my problems." -Unknown

Yes, I'm still alive.

I know, I know. Shocking, isn't it? Some days, I wonder. And yet, day after day, week after week, I continue to wake up and fight. 

It feels like my body has betrayed me. It doesn't seem like this should be me at all. Where did the healthy, active, youthful 13 year old that I used to know go? And why? If anyone sees her, would you tell her I miss her? Tell her I never appreciated her enough. Tell her I'll do better this time. Tell her I've learned my lesson. Tell her I want her back...

 When you have a chronic illness of any sort, it's very easy to get discouraged. People are always saying, "Hold on. Things will get better!" Sometimes, that statement makes me feel hopeful. It makes you feel happy, and encouraged. And some days, you just wonder if it really will...

That's the thing about "chronic". It means long-lasting, persistent, sometimes incurable. I know that healing is possible, and I trust that it will happen on God's time. But part of the whole "chronic illness" thing is accepting that maybe you weren't meant to be "normal." And what do you do in that event? You can choose to be miserable until you're better, or you can accept that it may not happen and be incredibly thankful when it does.

Guess which one I've chosen?

I've come to terms with the fact that maybe my plans for my life weren't God's plans. Or perhaps they're meant to come later. I've accepted that I may never get "better", and that my life may be a little different from most people's. I've accepted that my miracle healing may come some day, or not at all. 

I have to.

This doesn't mean I've given up. This doesn't mean I don't have faith. This doesn't mean I don't believe it can happen. This doesn't mean I don't care anymore, or that I'm going to stop taking care of myself.

It means that I refuse to let my illness own me.

Because I am not my illness. I am not my limitations. I am not my inability or my weaknesses. This is not the end of my life, and I am not giving up. I am going to live my life as fully and completely as I am able. I am going to make the most of the time God has given me, and I am going to rejoice in the fact that I am not dying of my illness- even if it may feel like it sometimes.

Dear POTS... you don't own me.

(My new theme song...)

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  1. Well stated! I have a new perspective on who you are, HurricanMurphGirl!