Walk In The Rain With Me: growing up

How Very Far I've Come

Thursday, March 26, 2015

It really hit me this past week that 1. I'm sixteen years old, and 2. I'm a junior in high-school, which means that 3. I'll be graduating next year.

Just let that sink in a little bit...

I'm. Graduating.

Next. Year.

When you start your first, official year of high-school, four years seems like such a long time to wait. When you look at those four years ahead of you, they could just as easily be an eternity.

But then you just keep plodding along, day after day, week after week, and suddenly you look up and realize- What the heck!? I've only got one year left!!!- and that's what I did this week. I looked up and realized how very close I am to the end. I'm closing in on the last lap of the race.

When I start looking forward at how quickly my childhood is coming to an end, I inevitably begin to look back at the person I used to be. When I look back, I realize just how much I have changed. I realize that the person I am now is completely different from the person I was even just a year ago.

Looking at old pictures of myself makes it particularly obvious just how much I have changed.

The picture above is from 2009, when I was just ten years old. It's hard to believe that little girl was ever me. So adorable, so sweet. This was the year she got her first taste of how difficult life could be, but she still has so much laughter inside of her. A laughter I work hard to hold onto.

Here I am at my 11th birthday. This little girl has never had to relearn how to smile for a camera. She still hasn't realized that not everyone thinks the way she does. It's never occurred to her to care what other people think about her.

This picture shows a twelve year-old girl who has started to see beyond the bubble of herself. And once she did, there was no turning back. If only I could show her a little of what I have learned. If only I could remind her that- no matter what she thinks- she's not broken. If only I could show her that it's alright to not get it.

Thank you to Jennifer DiFranco for taking this beautiful picture of me! Visit her website HERE.

This one was taken in the fall of 2012. Approximately six months later, I would experience the first symptoms of an illness I am still living with.

The thirteen year-old in this photo knows nothing of the struggles she is about to face, but she does know what it means to struggle. She has seen loss, and suffered heartache. She has felt grief and guilt, and didn't really know how to deal with either of them.

Physically, she is strong in ways that I no longer am. And yet, because of what I've been through, and because of the very things that have made me "weak", I have a strength that little girl does not yet know.

This is one of the few, good pictures taken of me while I was 14, because the year it was taken- 2013- is the year everything changed. First, we thought it was a stomach bug. But then it never went away. That 14 year-old girl got weaker, lost weight, and felt as if everything she'd held so dear was being taken away from her. The answers she got only seemed to lead to more questions.

2014 was a difficult year, too. The fifteen year-old girl in this picture is leaning on a shopping cart because she couldn't walk through the store on her own. The fact that she is still smiling absolutely amazes me.

But this fifteen year-old also learned so much. She learned how to live with a new normal. She discovered she loved photography. She re-found her passion for writing. She started learning how to smile for the camera again.

And this is me... With all of my strengths and weaknesses, because of everything I've lived through and all things I've learned...

This is who I am.

I can say with absolute honesty that I am grateful for all of the things I've been through if only because they've made me the person I am now. I know it's cheesy and cliche, but I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.

I love who I have become. I love my weirdness and my nerdy tendencies. I love that I have come to accept my differences as assets instead of becoming frustrated with myself for being "broken."

Am I perfect? No. Are there still things about myself that I don't like? Yes.

But you know what?

I think I'm finally OK with that...

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What makes you most nostalgic? Share your thoughts with us in the comment section below, over at my Facebook page, or email me at anastasiarosewrites[@]gmail[.]com!

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101 Things: Counting Down

I've been continuing work on my paper cranes, as usual, but I also checked off "Get a facial" (#90), and wrote a letter to 26 year-old me (#75).

growing up

Today You Are You...

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I have the most beautiful siblings ever...

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to photograph one of my sisters. I don't usually get the chance to take pictures of anyone but the very youngest- since she's only two, she's the one who minds the least.

You see, my oldest sister has a job and is quite busy, my little brother never stands still long enough to get anything good, and my other sister has just reached the age where she's beginning to be very difficult about having her picture taken.

She turned 10 in December, which is really the end of an era. Or at the very least, it's the beginning of the end.

She is such a beautiful young lady, and unfortunately, ten to twelve seems to be the age where lots of girls start to forget that.

They start to believe the lies that society tells them- that they can never be good enough.

They start to believe that the person they are is somehow insufficient.

As an older sister and as a young lady in general, this is something I am very passionate about. It's important to me that we show girls- and young people in general!- that who they are is exactly who they should be.

I want girls to know that we can be smart. It's good to be weird, and unique, and most importantly, it's good to just be yourself.

I don't always know the best way to do that, because I'm not really one of those people who is naturally comforting. I'm not someone who knows just the right thing to say to others.

But I have found that photography is one small way for me to make a difference for this young lady. I want to show her what I see in her.

That's probably my favorite thing about photography- and really about art itself in any form. You get the chance to help others to see what you see.

My hope when I'm taking pictures of people is that they will see the beauty in themselves that I see in them. I want to give them the opportunity to see themselves through someone else's eyes.

"Today you are You, that is Truer than true. There is No One alive who is Youer than You." -Dr. Seuss

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How do you think we can encourage younger girls to see themselves in a healthy light? Do you have any suggestions for me in how I can do that? Leave your thoughts in the comment section below, over at my Facebook page, or email it to me at anastasiarosewrites[@]gmail[.]com!

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101 Things: Counting Down

Nothing new on this front.

growing up

The Promise of Fame

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Everyone wants to be remembered...

Have you ever asked a kid what they wanted to be when they grew up? It's one of my favorite things to ask kids when I don't know what else to do with them, because the answer you get back is almost certain to be interesting.

Kids have such high-hopes of adulthood. They're going to be a ballerina, or a veterinarian, or an inventor. They're going to win an Olympic metal, or become Queen of the World, or maybe do both.

In their minds, there is no doubt that they are going to do something great.

But then... we actually do grow up.

Suddenly our dream of becoming Queen of the World seems a bit far-fetched, and we realize we don't have the skills (or determination) needed to win an Olympic medal.

We go to college, pick a career path, and leave our childhood dreams behind.

But I think a lot of us are still dreaming of fame. In some way, we all want to be recognized. We want people to see that we are special. We want others to look up to us. We want to be that celebrity that everyone knows about. Perhaps most of all, we want to be remembered.

I think the reason we desire fame is because what we really desire is purpose. Fame promises that what we're doing matters. If other people notice, than surely we're worth something.

But quantity is not the only measure of greatness.

Sometimes more isn't better. Most of us are never going to have our accomplishments broadcast on the news. Most of us will never be celebrities or national figures. And you might be tempted to think that means you won't be remembered, but it's not true.

You will be remembered by the people who matter. By your family, and your friends. By your neighbors, and colleagues. By people you barely knew but on whom you'd made an incredible impression.

And to those people, you are priceless simply because of who you are.

"The truth is, you can't be anything you want to be; you can only be yourself. [...] But you can be yourself very, very well. Have you ever tried?"

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Looking back, what was your childhood dream? How has your dream changed in the years since? Let me know in the comment section below, over at my Facebook page, or email it to me at anastasiarosewrites[@]gmail[.]com.

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101 Things: Counting Down

I am hoping to buy origami paper this weekend so I can start on my cranes. This is one of the projects that I actually wouldn't mind accepting outside help on. I think it would be awesome to have cranes made by lots of different hands. If you want to make a couple, here is a video link- youtube.com/watch?v=LuIjxq9bj-0. Send me an email so we can coordinate how you're going to get the crane to me. (anastasiarosewrites[@]gmail[.]com) Be sure to sign your name on the bottom so we'll know who made it!

growing up

Where Are You Going?

Friday, December 12, 2014

growing up

All Children Must Grow Up...

Saturday, May 03, 2014

"All children, except one, grow up." -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Alright. I'm not Peter Pan. And I don't care to be. I see that growing up is necessary, and I see that there are many things about growing up that give it a meaning, a purpose, and even a little bit of excitement about it.

However, I am discovering that being a teenager is just so much more complicated than being a child... All sorts of things make this a difficult time in one's life, and I don't understand why I ever thought it would be cool.

Alright. I suppose I do. The increased independence and freedom that comes with being older is pretty nice. I like being trusted with bigger things, and that I am able to do more and go to more places on my own. (Not that I've ever been one of those people who wants too much independence or responsibility...)

Yet I can also see why C. S. Lewis called this "the silliest part of one's life" in The Last Battle. Because it really is. You're too old to truly be called a child anymore, but too young to be a full-grown adult. And did I mention how complicated things can get? Maybe- but it's so true, that it warrants mentioning more than once. For certain.

When you get to be a certain age (usually after about fifteen or so) people start expecting you to be looking at colleges. Sure, three years may seem like a long time at the moment, but in reality, it goes by a lot faster than you might think it would. Which means that, in spite of still feeling "young and free" (or at least wanting to be), we start to feel pressure to get it all together and have a plan made out for ourselves.

All of the uncertainty and pressure to figure it all out gets so overwhelming. You feel like you need to have it all together and be ready to march off to college the minute you get that high-school diploma. But does anyone really know exactly how their life will go when they turn 18? Is it some magic number that turns you into an adult overnight?

This is definitely something that I've been working on lately, because I'm starting to be more aware about what I plan to do when I grow up. I do hope to go to college and have a career, because there is so much that I am passionate about, and I want to use my passion to help other people.

For a long time, I've wanted to be a nurse. Lately though, I've been entertaining the notion of becoming a physical therapist or physical therapist assistant. The slight interest in a different field means that I have to start looking at all sorts of things that I hadn't even thought about before. Good PT programs, what I want for my bachelor's degree, etc.

It's so much to process. So much that you just have to get right. I mean, this decides the course of your entire life, doesn't it? Or does it...

At times, I want to go back to a few years ago and simply stay there. In a time and place where everything was simple, and black and white, and my biggest decisions involved whether to eat cereal or toast for breakfast.

But everyone must grow up. There's no way around it. So when I feel anxious about what the future (or even the present) holds for me, and when life just seems full of unnecessary complications, I take a step back. Take a deep breath. And remember who's really in control.

(This song made me cry even when I was super little. Now, I just don't listen to it...)

family

Sister, Sister!

Monday, March 10, 2014

"Sister ... She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child." -Barbara Alpert

I don't watch much television- mostly because we don't actually get channels to watch. DVDs and tapes sure, but not channels. However, we occasionally decide that we actually want to watch a television series, so we go out of our way to make sure we actually do. Sometimes we invite ourselves over to people's houses to watch it on their Netflix, or even as it simply appears on the television. And sometimes we rent or buy the DVDs as quickly as we possibly can.

That's what we've been doing with Downton Abbey lately. In fact, we finished the first season just a few days ago. After finishing the season, I felt an overwhelming sense of appreciation for my sister, as well as a compulsion to be extremely nice to her.

For any of you who haven't seen Downton Abbey, I'll do my best to explain what I mean without spoiling anything for you should you decide to go watch it for yourself. (So far, it's been pretty interesting. For the most part, good story-telling, the acting is good, cinematography is good... There has been at least one scene that we skipped, but overall, it's been good, I'd say. And certainly intriguing.)

Well, there are these two sisters... They don't get along very well. And when I say they don't get along, I'm not talking just petty arguing, bickering or clash-of-wills. No, that I've seen plenty- it still bothers me to no end of course, but I've mostly learned to ignore it. No, this is taking sibling rivalry to a whole new level. Let me lay it out for you... Sister #1 is popular, so Sister #2 gets slightly sulky. This leads to #1 showing-off to rub it in #2's face, so #2 tries to outdo #1, so #1 tries harder than before and crushes #2's hopes, so #2 ruins #1's reputation, so #1 ruins #2's hopes of marriage.

Convoluted, huh? Well, that basically sums up what we've seen so far without actually mentioning any of the circumstances involved. At the end of the season finale, I was left pondering the tragic story of these two sisters, and genuinely thanking God that this is such a far cry from the relationship I have with any of my sisters.

____

Of course, I have my Kharis. My older sister. If we were the sisters in the story, I would have ruined her reputation and she'd have ruined my marriage. Terribly sad, I must say. We'd have been pretty much off speaking terms by now, and probably hated each others guts.

Which is why I am so grateful that we are not those sisters.

My sister is my best friend. She is my roommate (for now), my frequent traveling companion (in spite of the fact that I'm not always hers anymore), my partner in crime (or, rather, the mastermind behind it all), my free counselor (it comes with the job, I think), and my shoulder to cry on (sometimes). I could not have created a better sister for me. I would have tried to make her too much like me.

Some people might find that funny, because they already see us as practically twins anyways. (Ha!) They seem to be under the impression that because we have similar faces, we ought to be the same on the inside, too. That perhaps we are two cookies made from the same batch of dough.

But God never uses the same dough twice. Sure, he may use similar recipes for some of us, but we all have our own little quirks and oddities. A pinch more salt, huge heaps of chocolate chips, or a bit less flour than normal. It's what makes us special.

If I had planned it out, we would both have a similar personality- quiet, laid back, easy going, humorous, etc. Well, if I had planned it, we would never get anything done.

____

Then, I have my Zoe. Our wild child. She and I have a slightly strained relationship at the moment. We are so very different, and our needs tend to conflict. I am certain we are both to blame for the fact that we tend to have a hard time getting along.

As for me, I tend to be more irritable of late, and have difficulty letting go of things that once wouldn't have bothered me much at all. The constant strain of being sick and tried all of the time makes it very hard to keep cool in frustrating situations.

And unfortunately for both of us, Zoe is going through a phase where she seems to enjoy frustrating people on purpose. Or perhaps she just doesn't think things through before she does them. Whatever the case, my irritability mixed with her "phase" makes it very difficult to spend time together and not come away feeling very frustrated.

But in spite of the fact that we don't get along as well as we used to, we still love each other. We still have our special moments, and we still enjoy each other. We can be in the same room without arguing, and we don't purposefully hurt each other.

I am very hopeful that we will get closer as time goes on, and as we both grow older. Age gets less important as you get older, and the gap between us seems smaller each year. Perhaps then we will get along a bit better.

But even before then, I cherish each day that I have with her. Because I know that I can never get back any of the years the go by, and I do not want to waste a single one with her. Already, she has gotten so big. I remember when she was just born, and when she still sat in a high-chair, and when she was learning to read. I remember her first Christmas, and her first birthday.

And now she's nine years old...

____

Lastly, there's my Shiloh. Sweet, little Shiloh.

It seems only yesterday that she came home from the hospital, but already she's nearly two. Where does the time go? I couldn't tell you.

She has such a personality, and I have enjoyed watching her grow. She is discovering new things about the world everyday, and loves to explore. She loves to laugh, and make other people laugh. She also loves experimenting with the different noises she can make, and sometimes mimics the noises others make to her.

Every day is something new when there's a toddler in the house, and it's no different for us. I cherish each memory we make, every funny thing I see her do, and every day we have together. Someday, she'll be too big for the stroller. Someday, she'll use ALL real words.

So until then, I'm going to make the most of this time we have together. The slobbery kisses, the unintelligible conversations, and the sweet laughter of a small child.

____

What about you? What do you take for granted?....

growing up

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Sunday, January 05, 2014

“Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”-Walt Disney

Another year has come and gone, and a new one awaits us. 365 (now 360!) blank pages are waiting to be filled in.

And around this time, we not only look forward to a year that has yet to come, but also the one that has passed. For me, it's been... well, it's been a pretty life-changing year. Definitely not one I'll soon forget. So much has happened, and I've definitely grown and changed from the person I was at the end of 2012.

I am amazed at how blessed I feel, in spite of all that happened this year. I've spent a lot of this year being sick or tired, with numerous doctors visits and tests. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of pain, and more than a few nights that seemed much too long.

I look back on the girl I was at the beginning of 2013, and I can only wonder at how much I have changed. Some of you adults out there might laugh, but when I look back on who I was, I feel so very old. I feel like I'm about five years older than I was, not just one.

Yet in the midst of all that, there was also a lot of laughter. There were smiles. There has been beauty amongst it all. I've just learned that, sometimes, you have to look harder to see it.

This year has helped me learn how to recognize and appreciate the happy little somethings in life. New journals. Moments spent cuddling with your mom. Cloudy days. Songs that make me smile. Eating and not feeling sick afterwards. The sound of rain pitter-pattering on the windows. Checklists of things I actually did. Red hair. Reading a book. Combat boots. Having the chance to help someone else. Watching movies with your dad. The whole year was filled with little (and not so little!) miracles.

And so, even though my year didn't really go the way I had planned, I am happy that it happened. And also happy that it's over. I am ready to move on in my life. I know that things probably aren't going to be instantly fixed, but I also realize that no matter how bad things get, there are always things to be thankful for. There will always be a happy little something to find joy in. You just have to look hard enough.

(This song pretty much sums up 2013 for me.)

change

Everything Changes

Sunday, September 01, 2013

“Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.”- Donald Miller

I have realized something recently. Well, not really realized, because it's not as if I didn't know it before. No. It's more than just a realization, because now it's more than just an idea or thought- I have experienced it.

What is it that I've experienced? Well, simply this- things change. A lot. And sometimes, change is scary. Really scary.

I don't know what it is, but we as humans tend to want to know what's going to happen. We don't generally want things to just... happen. We want to know what's going to happen, and we want to know that it's all going to be alright. We want to know we'll come out of it, and we want to come out of it happy.

So we make all these plans to try and convince ourselves that we know how it's going to happen. That we've got it all under control. Even though we don't. Even though everything is out of our hands, we still try to imagine that we're holding onto it.

Change... We feel threatened by it, sometimes. We feel like it's messing up the "perfect" plans we have for ourselves. But if you think about it, our plans aren't perfect. Because our plans don't take everything into account. We can't know every single detail, nor how our "plans" will affect us- or anyone around us- in the future.

But God's plans can. God knows how everything works. How it needs to work. He put everything together, and He hasn't let go of it since. It's still right there- safe in His hands.

A lot of change has been happening in my life. Some of it I like, some of it I don't, and some of it I cannot decide whether I like or not. Some of it scares me. Well, most of it. Because it's so different and new.

What are some of the changes? Well, for one thing, one of my very best friends is about to go to Honduras for a year. (You can see her blog HERE.) She just left, and Wednesday night was the last night I got to see her before she took off. It was a rather emotional night for me. I was happy that she was able to do this, because I know that she is excited. And I know it's what God wants her to do, so of course I'm happy for her. But I'm still really sad that she can't be both places at once. (I think God knew how confusing that would get when He made us unable to do so.)

Also, I am in my second year of high-school. Or, will be. As soon as we start back to school. (That's the nice thing about being homeschooled! We get to choose when to start and finish. Cool, huh?) I mostly like the thought of one more year closer to being finished with high-school, but I also realize that this brings me one more year closer to college, and one more year further from the simplicity of being a kid.

In fact, a lot of things in my life seem to be making me acknowledge the fact that I'm getting old(er). A little brother who's learning to read. More responsibility. Evolving relationships. Nothing is as innocent as it used to be.

And, I may very well be facing a diagnoses of POTS. I'm horrid at trying to explain it, so here's a link if you want more information- www.stars.org.uk/patient-info/conditions/pots While I am very glad that we may finally know what it is that has been causing me so much trouble, unless I grow out of it (which, by the way, is probable), my life is most likely not going to be the same anymore. And even if I do grow out of it, it won't be the same for a while. That's a bit of a scary thought. But I know that I will get through this with help from God and my family.

Well, I guess all of this was to say that you can't turn back time. All those moments that have gone by? They're gone. And now they're nothing more than memories.

So as you go through your week, remember this- one day, these moments will just be memories. Time passes by so quickly, and if you don't use every second you're given, you will look back and realize all the things you could have done. Don't let these precious moments pass by because you're so busy with all the things you think are important but really aren't. Appreciate every single second you are given with your family, friends, and even with yourself. Because things never stay the same for long...

(So it doesn't have much to do with the blog post, but this has been one of my favorite songs lately.)

anxiety

Where Have the Years Gone?

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

“I think I might understand the way time works: how its passing is impossible to see but when it's gone, you feel it.” - Lysley Tenorio

Time is a funny thing. It has a way of seeming to pass so slowly in the moment, and yet eventually you look back and wonder where it's gone. Each day may well seem as long as a lifetime, yet as more and more go by, you look back and see that you have come so much farther than you thought you had. You think about things happening in three years and think, "Oh! That's a long time from now. I have a while." But if you look back to three years ago, you realize that it hardly seems to have taken a week.

When people used to talk about how time passed so quickly, I would think to myself, "Ha! I don't know what world you're living in, but it's sure not the same as mine! Things always come so slowly in my world. I wish time passed quickly!" As I have grown older, though, my perception of things has changed. I don't know exactly what it is about getting older, but time seems to just fly by so quickly you can hardly keep up. While days may feel exceedingly long, all put together they seem shorter than each individual day. (A bit like the stable from The Last Battle, but in reverse. Instead of being larger inside than outside, it's smaller inside that outside. (Did that even make sense?))

I guess I haven't really said what it was that has made me realize how much time has passed. It's not really one incident, but a collection of happenings put together. In fact, I am reminded of it on an almost daily basis.

Today, my not-so-little sister made cookies. Nearly all by herself. The only things I did were call out ingredients, help with stirring, and take it out of the oven. I still remember when she was born. I remember holding her for the first time. I remember her first birthday, and her first Christmas. (Not that she did much that first Christmas.) I remember her first year of dance. So many “firsts.” And now she's getting so grown up! She does things on her own, she is independent and has a mind that never ceases to amaze.

Another reminder of the passing of time is at the exact opposite end of the spectrum. The end that makes me feel so young still. My older sister. With her, instead of thinking so much about her “firsts”, I am thinking about how many “lasts” there are now. Her last year of high-school. Her last year of dance. Her last few years as a teenager. Her last year to share a room with me. Last, last, last. A whole chapter out of both of our lives is finishing. And once it's finished it's... finished.

It's kind of a scary thought, actually. Like coming to a fork in the road that's covered in fog and realizing that my sister and I are both headed somewhere different. I know that may seem a bit melodramatic, but it's how it feels.

It's easy sometimes (especially when I'm feeling down or stressed already) to let the thought of her going away really freak me out. Sometimes I can't help but think, "Oh my gosh! I'll be all by myself! Who will I talk to all the time? Who will I laugh with? Who will I run all my ideas by?" It's at times like that when I have to sort of stop my brain, take a deep breath, and remember that it will be OK. My world will not fall apart. She's not leaving forever. She's not running off never to be seen or heard from again. She'll come visit. We'll still email. If I start working on it now, we might even talk on the phone. Imagine that, huh?! (Did you hear that, Daddy? I just suggested talking on the phone for fun! You should be proud of me.)

And even though it might seem like it now, it's not like everyone is going away. I'll still have my Mommy and Daddy. I'll still have my friends. I'll still have my other siblings. And above all, I'll still have God. Or, rather, God will still have me. No matter who else in my life moves on, He will always be there. No matter how many people "leave" me (even though my sister isn't really leaving), God isn't going anywhere.

And in the moments where I feel like worrying, that's what I hold onto. That everything will be OK, that not everyone is leaving, that my world is not going to fall apart, and that no matter who does "leave", God is still there.

family

A Revelation Moment

Friday, July 05, 2013

"My notes always shine, boy! A pity the rest of the world doesn't see it." -Eoin Colfer, Airman

Have you ever had a sudden revelation? Has an idea or thought ever struck you so hard you thought you might fall over? Have you ever- in a single moment- figured out the answer to a problem you've been struggling with all your life, and never knew about until just then?

Well, I have now...

For any of you who know me personally (or even mostly through this blog), you will know that I have a sister. She is sixteen years old (turning seventeen in August, though let's not talk about that), and she is one of my closest friends. Some people might find it strange that a teenage girl actually thinks her older sister is her best friend, but it's true for me, and I'm so thankful. She is an amazing sister.

Anyways, she and I, apparently, look alike. Quite a bit alike, in fact. (Several times, people have asked if we were twins, though I honestly think that's taking it a bit far. I mean, really? Twins??? Tell me we don't look that much alike!!!) Aside from the fact that we both have brown hair and blue eyes, I don't see that much resemblance between us. People have assured me that we definitely look like siblings,which I suppose would make sense. (Us being siblings and all.)

So, there's this misconception that some people have of us. They seem to think that, since we look so much alike, we must be clones of each other.

And you know what? I think it's really annoying.

Always have, always will.

I mean, just because we may look alike, does not mean our interests or hobbies are the same. It also does not mean that we both react the same way to jokes, or that we appreciate the same things.

In fact, while we may be similar in some ways, for the most part we are completely different. She is an amazing artist, while I don't think I could draw like she can to save my life. I love to write poetry, and the one poem she wrote... well... she didn't like it very much. She is very good at leading and directing, and I much prefer to follow. She can figure out what needs to be done, while I need someone to tell me exactly what I should do. She's rather outgoing, and I'm much more introverted.

All of that being said, she and I were talking the other day. We said a lot of stuff (most of which I would never repeat on here), and had a great time. One of the many things we talked about was theater...

I've been doing this for nearly three years now. The whole time has been with one particular theater group, and I've gotten pretty close to some of the people there. Things have, over the years, changed quite a bit. (Things often do that.) People have left, new people have come, etc. Something big that has changed is the type of scripts we've been doing. I'm... not a fan of them. In fact, I got rather frustrated with the latest script.

I guess I did a little complaining, too.

Because of this (and other reasons), my mom suggested that we take the summer off. At first I was thinking, "Well, that's probably a good idea! Maybe we'll go back to doing scripts that I like."

But, the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized... I don't really want to quit. In fact, I don't want to quit at all. I hadn't realized how much I love doing theater (with those particular people) until I was thinking about a whole summer without it.

Of course, I told my sister what I'd been thinking about- how little I was looking forward to quitting- and she said something that surprised me. (Well, it surprised me at the time. Looking back I realize that it shouldn't have.) She said that she actually was ready for a break!

My sister, who has thrived on theater for the past three years, who has (in the past) gotten incredibly antsy when we missed theater two weeks in a row, who practically lived for theater, was ready for a break?!?!

How could this be?!?!

Well, like I said, I really should have seen it coming. Her last summer with theater was incredibly exhausting, and some other stuff since then has also just been a bit stressful for her.

After a moment or two of contemplation I said, sort of absentmindedly, "That's OK. You can quit. I don't need you there."

And that's when it hit me. It hit me so hard, my head literally jerked back like I'd been slapped in the face. My eyes got big. (I probably gasped, too, just like in the movies.) I was right.

I didn't need her.

That might sound really harsh and rude, and you might be a bit confused that I would call something like that a "sudden revelation" instead of "Ana being rude". However, you probably don't realize just how important that discovery was for me. (Or how monumental.)

My whole life (or at least, for almost as long as I can remember), I've always been really nervous about doing things on my own. Whether it was going to "Jungle Jam" (aka Children's church) at my grandma's church, or going to get the cart while we were in Wal-Mart, I always wanted my sister to come with me, and it disturbed me when she either couldn't or refused to come along. (I don't entirely know why, either. I guess it was because I like to follow people, and she usually was the leader. So, when I didn't have her to follow, it messed up the perfect balance of my world.) Even to this day, going to a party or a friend's house without her gives me butterflies, and I will go to certain lengths to prevent it.

So, for me to say that I didn't need her (and to actually believe it) was a huge thing for me. So huge, in fact, that I started laughing and crying. Not crying because I was laughing so hard- actually laughing and crying at once, but separately. (I thought that was something that only happened in books or movies, but apparently it's not.)

My sister, of course, was incredibly relieved. "Finally!" she said. "I've been waiting for that for ten years!!!"

Later, as I was writing about it in my journal, I got to thinking about it again. Why was that so important for me? Why did I feel like an incredible weight that I didn't realize I was carrying had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders?

And as I sat there, thinking back over my life, I realized something. Somehow, in the early years of my life, I had convinced myself that I needed my sister in order to function. And because of that, I told myself that if I didn't have her there with me, people wouldn't notice me, love me, or something. I had convinced myself, without even realizing it, that I somehow wasn't good enough, and that my sister made me so.

For all of my talk about being special, unique, and what-not, I was struggling with that very thing more than I ever knew.

I know I've said this before, but I'm saying it again- God knew what He was doing when He made you... well, you. You are special because God loves you, and He made you. You don't need to hang around someone else to be special. You are special to and for God. You shine! And if the rest of the world doesn't see that.. well, it's their loss!

family

Single and Imperfect

Thursday, May 09, 2013

"I like being single, I'm always there when I need me." -Art Leo

So, in one of my last posts (click HERE if you haven't read it yet), I talked about how the years seem to have just flown by. And it's true- they have.

One of the other things that clued me into this was the fact that, by most people's standards, my sister is no longer considered "single". She actually has a boyfriend now! (I've been instructed- nay, commanded- not to elaborate on this. She says that if anyone wants to know about her relationship, they can come ask. If you'd like some details, feel free to ask. (Her, not me!) But be warned- you might not get the answers you're hoping for. My sister is skilled in the art of evasion...)

Now, we were at an event together, and at one point in the day one of the speakers said, "Are there any single ladies in here?" And what does my sister do? She cheers... Being the wonderful sister that I am, I had to give her a hard time about it. (What else are sisters for?) She said, "I consider 'single' to mean 'not married.' Doesn't everyone?"

Now I don't know about "everyone," but it seems to me that "single" is commonly synonymous with "looking for a relationship." If you're single, you're available for a relationship- a date. If you're not available for a relationship (a.k.a. TAKEN), then you're not single.

But you know what? I can be single without looking for a relationship. I don't need to be dating. In reality, what good is a date at fourteen? Well, except to complicate things and perhaps cause unnecessary heartache.

OK, I guess it's time now to admit something- I'm a girl. (Whew! Glad I got that off my chest...)

Now that we've got that very difficult admission out of the way, you can probably figure out what I'm about to say. Go ahead, guess. I'll even give you a minute to think it over.

Think you have it now? You probably do.

Part of me thinks it might be neat to have a boyfriend. Shocking, I know. I guess that's the part of me that's a normal teenager. I work hard to keep my "normal teenager" self in control and under wraps. In fact, sometimes I'm even a bit prideful about the fact that I'm not a "normal" teenager.

I suppose this leads to admitting something else- I am human.

For any of you who know me and think I'm an angel who never does anything wrong, who never makes mistakes, and is always perfectly perfect, think again. Sorry to burst your bubble, but sometimes... I spill the milk, too. (No need to cry about it, though.)

Sometimes, it's hard to remember that other people aren't perfect. Sometimes, we get so caught up in how amazing, beautiful, funny, graceful, unique, or whatever we think they are that we forget they're only human, too. We let their "amazingness" make us forget that they're human like we are. They make mistakes, they slip up. We spend so much time admiring them, that we forget how amazing God made us. We compare ourselves so much to them, that we cease to accept ourselves as adequate.

So next time you look at that certain person in your life, the one you think "has it all" (money looks, grace, etc.), remember that they are human, too. Their life has ups and downs just like yours. They have their insecurities and shortcomings just like you do.

Don't let some else's apparent perfection stop you from seeing your own awesomeness. Just because you're not them, doesn't mean you aren't awesome!

How Very Far I've Come

Today You Are You...

The Promise of Fame

Where Are You Going?

All Children Must Grow Up...

Sister, Sister!

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Everything Changes

Where Have the Years Gone?

A Revelation Moment

Single and Imperfect

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