Walk In The Rain With Me

Everything Changes

Sunday, September 01, 2013

“Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.”- Donald Miller

I have realized something recently. Well, not really realized, because it's not as if I didn't know it before. No. It's more than just a realization, because now it's more than just an idea or thought- I have experienced it.

What is it that I've experienced? Well, simply this- things change. A lot. And sometimes, change is scary. Really scary.

I don't know what it is, but we as humans tend to want to know what's going to happen. We don't generally want things to just... happen. We want to know what's going to happen, and we want to know that it's all going to be alright. We want to know we'll come out of it, and we want to come out of it happy.

So we make all these plans to try and convince ourselves that we know how it's going to happen. That we've got it all under control. Even though we don't. Even though everything is out of our hands, we still try to imagine that we're holding onto it.

Change... We feel threatened by it, sometimes. We feel like it's messing up the "perfect" plans we have for ourselves. But if you think about it, our plans aren't perfect. Because our plans don't take everything into account. We can't know every single detail, nor how our "plans" will affect us- or anyone around us- in the future.

But God's plans can. God knows how everything works. How it needs to work. He put everything together, and He hasn't let go of it since. It's still right there- safe in His hands.

A lot of change has been happening in my life. Some of it I like, some of it I don't, and some of it I cannot decide whether I like or not. Some of it scares me. Well, most of it. Because it's so different and new.

What are some of the changes? Well, for one thing, one of my very best friends is about to go to Honduras for a year. (You can see her blog HERE.) She just left, and Wednesday night was the last night I got to see her before she took off. It was a rather emotional night for me. I was happy that she was able to do this, because I know that she is excited. And I know it's what God wants her to do, so of course I'm happy for her. But I'm still really sad that she can't be both places at once. (I think God knew how confusing that would get when He made us unable to do so.)

Also, I am in my second year of high-school. Or, will be. As soon as we start back to school. (That's the nice thing about being homeschooled! We get to choose when to start and finish. Cool, huh?) I mostly like the thought of one more year closer to being finished with high-school, but I also realize that this brings me one more year closer to college, and one more year further from the simplicity of being a kid.

In fact, a lot of things in my life seem to be making me acknowledge the fact that I'm getting old(er). A little brother who's learning to read. More responsibility. Evolving relationships. Nothing is as innocent as it used to be.

And, I may very well be facing a diagnoses of POTS. I'm horrid at trying to explain it, so here's a link if you want more information- www.stars.org.uk/patient-info/conditions/pots While I am very glad that we may finally know what it is that has been causing me so much trouble, unless I grow out of it (which, by the way, is probable), my life is most likely not going to be the same anymore. And even if I do grow out of it, it won't be the same for a while. That's a bit of a scary thought. But I know that I will get through this with help from God and my family.

Well, I guess all of this was to say that you can't turn back time. All those moments that have gone by? They're gone. And now they're nothing more than memories.

So as you go through your week, remember this- one day, these moments will just be memories. Time passes by so quickly, and if you don't use every second you're given, you will look back and realize all the things you could have done. Don't let these precious moments pass by because you're so busy with all the things you think are important but really aren't. Appreciate every single second you are given with your family, friends, and even with yourself. Because things never stay the same for long...

(So it doesn't have much to do with the blog post, but this has been one of my favorite songs lately.)

Living Water Hats

My Passion

Saturday, August 10, 2013

"When passion and skill work together, the end result is often a masterpiece." -Unknown

So, I've been talking a lot lately about these hats that I've been crocheting, and many people have requested more information about these hats, what I'm doing, what my prices are, etc. So here I am- writing about my hats. Since there are a few main questions that everyone has asked, I'll start by answering those.

Q&A with Living Water Hats

Q- "So, what is this about crocheted hats?"
A- Well, I am selling crocheted hats to raise money to build a Jesus Well.

Q- "A Jesus Well? What's a Jesus Well?"
A- A Jesus Well is a well built through an organization called Gospel for Asia (GFA) that is working to bring the Gospel to remote villages in Asia. A Jesus Well enables women to draw clean water within their village, instead of having to walk a long ways. The water that they often have access to is unclean and not suitable for drinking or cooking with, leading to high number of waterborne illness and death. Also, what often happens is that when there is a village well, people who are considered outcasts (those with disabilities or those stuck in poverty) are banned from drawing water. With a Jesus Well, anyone has access to water- no matter who they are. (For more information about Jesus Wells, click HERE. Be sure to watch the video!)

Q- "OK! That's pretty neat. So, what types of hats do you make?"
A- I make a variety of hats, and am always willing to work with you to customize yours. Here are a few pictures of some hats I make, though this isn't the entire collection. I'm still working on getting pictures of all the hats I make.

Marvelous Mesh

Divine Beret

Basic Beanie

Basic Beanie with fuzzy brim and pom pom

Q- "Fun! So, what are your prices?"
A- I've actually been fiddling around with how I want to "charge" for the hats. At first I had been asking a specific amount that was related to which hat style you chose. However, I decided that I don't really like that method. It's too complicated, and I never know what to tell people when they say "How much are they?" SO! I decided to try out a new system. Instead of having a set price for each hat, I'm going to do a "minimum donation" that's based on what size of hat you order, not waht style. The new prices are as follows... Baby hats have a minimum donation price of $10, child hats have a minimum donation price of $15, and adult hats have a minimum donation price of $20. If you choose a more difficult embellishment or customization (an animal face, specialty yarn, etc.) I ask that you add $5. If you would like to give more, that's always appreciated, too, but don't feel pressured into it.

Q- "I don't wear hats very much. Is there another way I can help?"
A- Hats make great gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Resurrection Sunday, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Rosh Hashanah, New Years, or just for fun! Consider purchasing a hat for a relative or friend. If you still don't want a hat but want to support me, something that would be really helpful is to just spread the word. Tell someone you think might like to purchase a hat. Word of mouth is extremely important, and every little bit helps.

****I have also decided to look into donating hats. You can "sponsor" a hat, telling me as much or as little about the hat as you want, and I will make it. But instead of giving the hat to you, I will donate it somewhere it is needed. I am still looking into this, and haven't really figured out where I'm donating the hats to. If you have any suggestions or tips for me, or know of a place that could use these hats, just email me at livingwaterhats@gmail.com.****

So, I guess those are the main questions people ask me when they hear about my hats. If you still have questions, feel free to email me at livingwaterhats@gmail.com.

anxiety

Where Have the Years Gone?

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

“I think I might understand the way time works: how its passing is impossible to see but when it's gone, you feel it.” - Lysley Tenorio

Time is a funny thing. It has a way of seeming to pass so slowly in the moment, and yet eventually you look back and wonder where it's gone. Each day may well seem as long as a lifetime, yet as more and more go by, you look back and see that you have come so much farther than you thought you had. You think about things happening in three years and think, "Oh! That's a long time from now. I have a while." But if you look back to three years ago, you realize that it hardly seems to have taken a week.

When people used to talk about how time passed so quickly, I would think to myself, "Ha! I don't know what world you're living in, but it's sure not the same as mine! Things always come so slowly in my world. I wish time passed quickly!" As I have grown older, though, my perception of things has changed. I don't know exactly what it is about getting older, but time seems to just fly by so quickly you can hardly keep up. While days may feel exceedingly long, all put together they seem shorter than each individual day. (A bit like the stable from The Last Battle, but in reverse. Instead of being larger inside than outside, it's smaller inside that outside. (Did that even make sense?))

I guess I haven't really said what it was that has made me realize how much time has passed. It's not really one incident, but a collection of happenings put together. In fact, I am reminded of it on an almost daily basis.

Today, my not-so-little sister made cookies. Nearly all by herself. The only things I did were call out ingredients, help with stirring, and take it out of the oven. I still remember when she was born. I remember holding her for the first time. I remember her first birthday, and her first Christmas. (Not that she did much that first Christmas.) I remember her first year of dance. So many “firsts.” And now she's getting so grown up! She does things on her own, she is independent and has a mind that never ceases to amaze.

Another reminder of the passing of time is at the exact opposite end of the spectrum. The end that makes me feel so young still. My older sister. With her, instead of thinking so much about her “firsts”, I am thinking about how many “lasts” there are now. Her last year of high-school. Her last year of dance. Her last few years as a teenager. Her last year to share a room with me. Last, last, last. A whole chapter out of both of our lives is finishing. And once it's finished it's... finished.

It's kind of a scary thought, actually. Like coming to a fork in the road that's covered in fog and realizing that my sister and I are both headed somewhere different. I know that may seem a bit melodramatic, but it's how it feels.

It's easy sometimes (especially when I'm feeling down or stressed already) to let the thought of her going away really freak me out. Sometimes I can't help but think, "Oh my gosh! I'll be all by myself! Who will I talk to all the time? Who will I laugh with? Who will I run all my ideas by?" It's at times like that when I have to sort of stop my brain, take a deep breath, and remember that it will be OK. My world will not fall apart. She's not leaving forever. She's not running off never to be seen or heard from again. She'll come visit. We'll still email. If I start working on it now, we might even talk on the phone. Imagine that, huh?! (Did you hear that, Daddy? I just suggested talking on the phone for fun! You should be proud of me.)

And even though it might seem like it now, it's not like everyone is going away. I'll still have my Mommy and Daddy. I'll still have my friends. I'll still have my other siblings. And above all, I'll still have God. Or, rather, God will still have me. No matter who else in my life moves on, He will always be there. No matter how many people "leave" me (even though my sister isn't really leaving), God isn't going anywhere.

And in the moments where I feel like worrying, that's what I hold onto. That everything will be OK, that not everyone is leaving, that my world is not going to fall apart, and that no matter who does "leave", God is still there.

Living Water Hats

"When All You Have Is Fishes" Part 2- The Miracle

Monday, August 05, 2013

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see." -C.S. Lewis

People are always saying that sometimes, when you pray for an answer, it doesn't come as a sudden bolt of lightening or a really obvious, “wet-rag-to-the-face” answer. We like to remind each other that sometimes it's subtle, and you have to be listening really hard in order to catch it.

But then sometimes, God answers a prayer in a totally unexpected way that you just can't help but notice.

A little while ago, I did a blog post about my project, “Living Water Hats.” (If you haven't read the post, click HERE.) I'd been kinda worrying about that post before I actually published it. More than normal, I mean. I kept thinking, “What if I offend someone?” I don't know what exactly I thought was so offensive about it, but I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to actually post that. In fact, it sat on my “bookshelf” as a draft for at least two or three days before I got up the nerve to push that alluring little button and publish it.

But for all that, I felt very strongly that I needed to publish it. Someone out there needed to read it, so I just had to get over myself and put it out there. I mean, really. Do I take myself so seriously as to think that someone might actually be offended by something I post? (Offending someone is one of those “I'll know I've hit the big time when...” things for me.)

So, for several days before I even wrote the loaves and fishes post, I had been praying that God would open up a door for me to be able to sort of spread the word on my hats project. I wanted to keep it going, and I really wanted to get the Jesus Well funded by the end of this year. I was praying that He would show me some way to grow the project. A way for more people to hear about it and get involved.

Then on Wednesday, I was approached by a really neat person at church. The worship leader, actually. His name is Mr. Matt, and he's a photographer. (You can check him out over at wearesaltbox.com) I've always thought he was really awesome, and the fact that he wanted to talk to me was very cool. (You should have been inside my head when he said he read my blog! I kid you not, I sounded like a normal teenage girl would if Taylor Lautner shook her hand. Eeeek!) He told that he read the aforementioned blog post, and that he really liked what I had to say. He also said that he wanted to buy a hat from me and not only that, but he wanted to help me advertise my hats. I think my jaw might have dropped when he said that.

It was one of those moments where there's no mistaking- it was an answer to prayer. It's not a coincidence. It's not an accident. It's a God-thing. And it was a really good reminder that God really does hear our prayers. He really is listening. He's not too busy. He didn't fall asleep. He's not on vacation. He's there. And He has a plan that you cannot even dream of.

I like to think that I have a pretty good (and perhaps chronically overactive) imagination, but I could never have imagined that. I had imagined someone might want to buy a hat after reading my blog post, but had never even considered someone wanting to help me tell other people about them, too. It's incredible! And though it's already been a while since the conversation, I'm still awed by it and feel like smiling like a fool any time I think about it.

Here's something for you to remember- God hears your prayers. No matter what seems to be going on right now, He has a plan. And that plan that He has- the plan for your fishes and your prayers- is bigger, grander, and more awe-inspiring than you can even dream of.

So just hold on for now. God is telling a story through your life, and sometimes His words are written too big for you to read. Someday you will look back from afar and see just how amazing it really was.

And that's what a miracle is...

(Oh! And Mr. Matt? If you're reading this, just know that everything I said about you was completely true, and it wasn't just flattery. I meant every word I said.)

illness

Unspeakable Peace

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

“God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing.” -C.S. Lewis

It seems like I've been posting a lot lately about "God-moments." Don't get me wrong! I'm not complaining. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm amazed at how many "God-moments" I've been blessed with recently. And the most amazing part of it is, they've been entirely unexpected.

As I'm certain you noticed, I have been feeling rather out of sorts lately. It seems like it's been a constant struggle with my health. Most recently, it's been problems with my stomach. I don't really care to tell my story again, so if you want to read about what's going on please click HERE.

Anyways, I've been really struggling- not only to do the things I used to find so easy (eat a healthy meal, get to sleep, relax), but also to have fun. I almost have to work in order to have fun right now. I've found it really hard to enjoy life. To sit back and relax. To really really laugh. To not grimace all the time.

On Sunday morning, I was at church. (Like I usually am on Sunday mornings.) This morning in particular I was feeling really bad. I wanted so much to sit in the sanctuary, to sing the worship songs... but I couldn't. I ended up lying down on a couch in the fellowship hall during the middle of worship. Not exactly what I wanted to be doing. I was so upset with myself and with the fact that I felt so terrible. (Am I the only one who sometimes feels guilty being sick? Stupid, I know, but... yeah.) I was frustrated and tired and disappointed.

After a bit, my dad came and said that he was going to ask our pastor to pray for me. So we went back in (they were still singing), and asked him. Well of course he said he would, and after the song was over he said that he was going to pray for/over me, and that anyone who wanted to do the same could come and do so.

As different people were praying for me, I just felt really... peaceful. Like all the pain, all the sickness, all the hurt, all the worry just melted away. I wasn't thinking about my stomach feeling bad. I wasn't thinking about being sick. I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I was tired. It was like a cool shower after being hot and sweaty all day, or rain after a drought.

One of the things that amazed me almost to no end was how many people came to lay their hands on me. It felt so nice to know that all of those people cared for me and about me, and were praying for me to get better. It was almost a George Bailey moment. If you've ever seen It's a Wonderful Life, I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about. (If you haven't seen it yet, you should. It's a great story!) That unforgettable ending scene where everyone comes to his house with all the money they can get together? That's how I felt. All these people rallying together to help me. All of these people whose lives I had touched.

I'm still feeling bad. I'm not going to say there was an instant answer to prayer and I am miraculously healed. But I'm also not going to say that those moments were useless. Because even if there's no lightening-bolt of healing, even if I were to live with this condition (or whatever it is) for the rest of my life, I believe that those prayers were heard. And I will never forget how that felt.

anxiety

When All You Have is Fishes

Sunday, July 28, 2013

"We each have time, talent and creativity, all of which can be powerful forces for positive change. Share your blessings in whatever form they come and to whatever level you have been blessed." Jon M. Huntsman Sr.

So, I'm pretty sure most everyone has heard the story of Jesus feeding the multitude, right? Well, just for the sake of clarity, let me run over it for you. Jesus has been talking to and healing this large group of people, and it's getting late. The disciples suggest that He send them away to buy food, but Jesus tells the disciples that the people don't need to leave. But all they have are five loaves and two fishes. Jesus took the food, gave thanks, broke the bread, and gave it to the disciples to give to the people. As I'm sure you know, the food never runs out. All of the people gathered eat what they want, and there's still some left over.

Now, you might be wondering what prompted me to tell you that story. Well, it goes like this...

I started crocheting a while back (a big thank you to my friends who taught me), and at the end of last year, I really felt like God wanted me to start doing something with my talent. So I started thinking and praying about it, and finally I figured out something that would work.

There is an organization called Gospel for Asia that works to bring the Gospel to people in isolated villages and towns of Asia. One of the things they do is a "Jesus Well". Basically, you fund the building of a well that provides clean water to anyone in the village- regardless of their social standing. (To read more about Jesus Wells, CLICK HERE.) To raise money for the Jesus Well I wanted to fund, I decided to start selling crochet hats. Hats are something I enjoy making, that I can sell fairly cheaply, and that lots of people enjoy. It was a perfect set-up!

But then, I hit a bit of a bump in the road. What was I to do next? I entered a craft fair thingy and set up a table there, which did help get the word out a bit. But other than a few close friends, I never really told anyone about my fundraiser. I mean, how do you go about bringing something like that up??? Then I thought, well, maybe I could put something up about it at church. I'm sure they'd love to get involved!

So, on at least three separate occasions, I started to bring it up. But guess what? I couldn't do it. I was scared. About that time, our church started getting more involved in missions in Honduras, and (also about that time) one of the young women at our church announced that she would be going there for a whole year. How could I possibly ask people to give money to this Jesus Well, when someone else had something bigger. Something that seemed so much more important.

So I just let it go. I didn't say anything, and I kept it to myself.

Just the other day, I started thinking about it more. I contemplated (again) bringing it up at church. But then that little voice at the back of my head started talking to me again. It said things like, "That's not as important as what they're doing." "It would be selfish to ask for money for this when they need it more." "Your dream is too small. It's not important." And I started to file my idea away again, when suddenly it hit me.

If God is calling you to do something, no matter how "unimportant" it might seem, it's not unimportant. No matter how "small" it might seem next to someone else's calling, it's not small. It's what God gave you.

Sometimes God gives you fish. Don't compare your fish with someone else's bread- you might convince yourself your fish aren't needed anymore. So when all you have is fishes, give them over to God. He can do things with your fish that you never could have dreamed of on your own...

friends

Words

Saturday, July 27, 2013

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo Buscaglia

You know, I love to write. (As you can probably see from this blog.) I like being able to create something with my words. I like to express myself through the written language. I like the freedom I feel in writing.

But even though I love writing so much, it is incredibly easy to feel like it isn't very good. People say that you are your toughest critic, and I wholeheartedly believe it is true. I tend to be very hard on my writing, and if I write something that I really don't think is very good, I'll keep it (I hate throwing away anything I've written.), but I basically file it away and never show it to anyone. Maybe that's a bad system, but what can I say? Sometimes I'll go back and read something that I thought was really bad and realize that it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was. And, more often, I'll go back and read something I thought I thought was really good and realize it was actually pretty terrible.

And surely I'm not the only one who ever feels self-conscious of their writing! (Or their art, or their cooking, or whatever.)

Just like all my other writing, I frequently feel self-conscious of my blog. Several thoughts run through my head pretty much anytime I get ready to post- Is it any good? Is it terrible? Does anyone actually read this? I decided a while back that, no matter if it was terrible, no matter if anyone actually read it, I was going to continue writing in my blog because I like to do it. If there comes a time when I no longer love it, then perhaps I shall think about stopping. But until such a time, I'm going to write anyways. Even having decided that, I always feel a little (or a big) twinge of nervousness when I post something.

People will sometimes tell me that they like my blog, but my brain usually comes up with at least one reason why I shouldn't actually believe them. (Don't ask me why. It's just how I am, I guess.) She's your mom, of course she'd say that. Now, it's not really that I don't trust my mom or value her opinion. And I really do appreciate hearing from her that she enjoyed my blog. I guess there's just a certain amount of understanding that because she's my mom she is at least a tiny bit biased towards me and anything I do. As someone once said, "I'm [your] mom. [You] could be playing Jingle Bells and I'd still say [you] were the best."

So, the other day I was riding with my sister's friend's (notice my oh-so-subtle use of italics) mom. I honestly don't know how it came up, but she said that she had been reading my blog and thought it was really good. Like, really good. She said that she used to teach a high-school English class, and that my writing was probably some of the best she had seen.

I'm not quite sure what it is, but for some reason, getting a compliment from her was probably one of the best things anyone could ever say to me. Of all the people up to that point who had said they liked my blog, she was the first that I didn't even try to explain away.

And the amazing thing about it? I was having a rather rough day. I don't even remember now why my day had been rough, I just remember that it was. And that what she said made it infinitely better.

I guess what I really want to say is this- you never know how what you're saying will impact the other person. Even the simplest words can affect someone so much more than what you thought. Words are powerful. They can make someone's day. They can put a smile on someone's face. And they can do just the opposite.

What will your words do?

fear

He's Got The Whole World...

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

“I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.” -Dr. Seuss

I hate being sick. And you know what? Lately, it feels like I've been sick all the time.

You know what else? I hate having to go to the doctor. You might find that funny, since I want to be a nurse. It's not that I don't like doctor's offices or anything. In fact, they are really quite interesting. (Seeing how everything flows together, each person doing their part. Teamwork in action!) However, I don't want to be the one who's having problems. I want to be the one helping other people with their problems.

But today, I was having problems. Actually, I've been having problems since Friday evening. Actually, I've been having problems for longer than since Friday. Honestly, I've had problems my whole life. (Haven't we all?) But this one particular problem has really been a... problem, lately.

So, back to Friday. We went to watch a play. It was a really good play, with wonderful actors, a fairly engaging plot... Towards the end of it, I started to feel kinda nauseous. It wasn't really bad at that point, but it was certainly frustrating. By the next morning however, it was, well, pretty bad. And it's been that way since then. We finally went to the doctor on Tuesday, and she gave me some antacids to take every day for a month, and instructions not to eat anything highly acidic and to lay off on the dairy for a few days.

All of this has been pretty discouraging. I've felt really bad every day this past week. I haven't been able to do all of the things I like to. I just felt so helpless. I didn't know of anything I could do to fix it, and I couldn't even see an end to it all.

But then yesterday I started thinking of something. It's not anything I hadn't heard before, and it's not anything really unique or different, but sometimes it doesn't have to be. Sometimes it the simple thought or idea that comes just when you need it that makes the most impact.

And what came to me was this... I'm not in control of it all.

I'm not in control, but that's OK. I know the one who is. I don't have it all together, but that's OK, too. Because I know the one who does. So I don't need to worry. I don't need to wonder if things will ever get better, or if I'll finally feel healthy again. Because the Creator of the world, the one who holds everything in His hand, holds me in His hand, too. And He has everything under control.

_____________

I'm still working on getting slips of paper for my "Monday Is" project. Please please please please think about it! Your little phrase doesn't have to be something "incredible". It doesn't have to be deep or profound, just anything will do! Drop by HERE to get all the information on that. Thank you soooo much to the people who have already participated! (You know who you are.)

random

A Letter From the CEO

Sunday, July 07, 2013

family

A Revelation Moment

Friday, July 05, 2013

"My notes always shine, boy! A pity the rest of the world doesn't see it." -Eoin Colfer, Airman

Have you ever had a sudden revelation? Has an idea or thought ever struck you so hard you thought you might fall over? Have you ever- in a single moment- figured out the answer to a problem you've been struggling with all your life, and never knew about until just then?

Well, I have now...

For any of you who know me personally (or even mostly through this blog), you will know that I have a sister. She is sixteen years old (turning seventeen in August, though let's not talk about that), and she is one of my closest friends. Some people might find it strange that a teenage girl actually thinks her older sister is her best friend, but it's true for me, and I'm so thankful. She is an amazing sister.

Anyways, she and I, apparently, look alike. Quite a bit alike, in fact. (Several times, people have asked if we were twins, though I honestly think that's taking it a bit far. I mean, really? Twins??? Tell me we don't look that much alike!!!) Aside from the fact that we both have brown hair and blue eyes, I don't see that much resemblance between us. People have assured me that we definitely look like siblings,which I suppose would make sense. (Us being siblings and all.)

So, there's this misconception that some people have of us. They seem to think that, since we look so much alike, we must be clones of each other.

And you know what? I think it's really annoying.

Always have, always will.

I mean, just because we may look alike, does not mean our interests or hobbies are the same. It also does not mean that we both react the same way to jokes, or that we appreciate the same things.

In fact, while we may be similar in some ways, for the most part we are completely different. She is an amazing artist, while I don't think I could draw like she can to save my life. I love to write poetry, and the one poem she wrote... well... she didn't like it very much. She is very good at leading and directing, and I much prefer to follow. She can figure out what needs to be done, while I need someone to tell me exactly what I should do. She's rather outgoing, and I'm much more introverted.

All of that being said, she and I were talking the other day. We said a lot of stuff (most of which I would never repeat on here), and had a great time. One of the many things we talked about was theater...

I've been doing this for nearly three years now. The whole time has been with one particular theater group, and I've gotten pretty close to some of the people there. Things have, over the years, changed quite a bit. (Things often do that.) People have left, new people have come, etc. Something big that has changed is the type of scripts we've been doing. I'm... not a fan of them. In fact, I got rather frustrated with the latest script.

I guess I did a little complaining, too.

Because of this (and other reasons), my mom suggested that we take the summer off. At first I was thinking, "Well, that's probably a good idea! Maybe we'll go back to doing scripts that I like."

But, the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized... I don't really want to quit. In fact, I don't want to quit at all. I hadn't realized how much I love doing theater (with those particular people) until I was thinking about a whole summer without it.

Of course, I told my sister what I'd been thinking about- how little I was looking forward to quitting- and she said something that surprised me. (Well, it surprised me at the time. Looking back I realize that it shouldn't have.) She said that she actually was ready for a break!

My sister, who has thrived on theater for the past three years, who has (in the past) gotten incredibly antsy when we missed theater two weeks in a row, who practically lived for theater, was ready for a break?!?!

How could this be?!?!

Well, like I said, I really should have seen it coming. Her last summer with theater was incredibly exhausting, and some other stuff since then has also just been a bit stressful for her.

After a moment or two of contemplation I said, sort of absentmindedly, "That's OK. You can quit. I don't need you there."

And that's when it hit me. It hit me so hard, my head literally jerked back like I'd been slapped in the face. My eyes got big. (I probably gasped, too, just like in the movies.) I was right.

I didn't need her.

That might sound really harsh and rude, and you might be a bit confused that I would call something like that a "sudden revelation" instead of "Ana being rude". However, you probably don't realize just how important that discovery was for me. (Or how monumental.)

My whole life (or at least, for almost as long as I can remember), I've always been really nervous about doing things on my own. Whether it was going to "Jungle Jam" (aka Children's church) at my grandma's church, or going to get the cart while we were in Wal-Mart, I always wanted my sister to come with me, and it disturbed me when she either couldn't or refused to come along. (I don't entirely know why, either. I guess it was because I like to follow people, and she usually was the leader. So, when I didn't have her to follow, it messed up the perfect balance of my world.) Even to this day, going to a party or a friend's house without her gives me butterflies, and I will go to certain lengths to prevent it.

So, for me to say that I didn't need her (and to actually believe it) was a huge thing for me. So huge, in fact, that I started laughing and crying. Not crying because I was laughing so hard- actually laughing and crying at once, but separately. (I thought that was something that only happened in books or movies, but apparently it's not.)

My sister, of course, was incredibly relieved. "Finally!" she said. "I've been waiting for that for ten years!!!"

Later, as I was writing about it in my journal, I got to thinking about it again. Why was that so important for me? Why did I feel like an incredible weight that I didn't realize I was carrying had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders?

And as I sat there, thinking back over my life, I realized something. Somehow, in the early years of my life, I had convinced myself that I needed my sister in order to function. And because of that, I told myself that if I didn't have her there with me, people wouldn't notice me, love me, or something. I had convinced myself, without even realizing it, that I somehow wasn't good enough, and that my sister made me so.

For all of my talk about being special, unique, and what-not, I was struggling with that very thing more than I ever knew.

I know I've said this before, but I'm saying it again- God knew what He was doing when He made you... well, you. You are special because God loves you, and He made you. You don't need to hang around someone else to be special. You are special to and for God. You shine! And if the rest of the world doesn't see that.. well, it's their loss!