Walk In The Rain With Me

Invisible Illness Week- 30 Things About My Invisible Illness

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

"I am more than what you see." -Unknown

This week- September 8th through 14th, 2014- is Invisible Illness Week (IIWk). It's all about spreading hope for those suffering from invisible illnesses.

I've been trying to do a blog post like this for the past month or so, and could never think of the right words to say. I found this on Invisible Illness Week's website, and decided it was just what I needed. So here ya go- hopefully you learn something new about me. Be sure to visit their website for more information about IIWk and life with invisible illness.

30 Things You Might Not Know About My Invisible Illness

1. The illness(es) I live with are: Ehler's-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS).
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2013 for POTS, and 2014 for EDS.
3. But I had symptoms since: at least 2012 for POTS, and because EDS is a genetic disorder, I've always had it and experienced many of the symptoms of it. (Hypermobility in particular.)
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: recognizing that there are things I cannot do anymore, and finding ways to work with my body instead of against it.
5. Most people assume: that I must be very clumsy because I'm always getting hurt due to my EDS.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: just mustering the energy to get going.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: M*A*S*H
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my computer.
9. The hardest part about nights are: the pain that makes it hard to sleep.
10. Each day I take 18 pills & vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am fairly open, though a little skeptical.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: to stay with what I have now, although I don't think one is better than the other.
13. Regarding working and career: I had to give up my babysitting job because of my lack of energy and patience, but I do hope to look into working somewhere once I turn 16. Eventually, I plan to pursue a degree in Communications.
14. People would be surprised to know: that I can swallow at least eleven pills at one time.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: accepting that I can't do everything I used to be able to, and that sometimes I do need help.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: raise $1,000 to fund the building of a well through Gospel for Asia.
17. The commercials about my illness: are fairly nonexistent. I have never seen or heard one.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: having the ability to be spontaneous. I can't just go out and do something anymore- I need to plan ahead in an attempt to have the energy, make sure I have taken my medication, etc.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: being so active. I used to dance at least three days a week, as well as my normal stuff. I have had to cut back on a lot of that due to my illness taking away so much energy.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: writing. It had been a casual hobby for a while, but it was only after I got sick that I really began to see how much it meant to me.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: go out someplace with my friends, walk around a lot, and then share a really nice meal. Maybe at a buffet.
22. My illness has taught me: that things happen and plans change, but God is still God, and He is never going to let me down. I just have to take things one day at a time and allow Him to work through me.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "I get that too sometimes." Uh... just no.
24. But I love it when people: allow me to talk about my illness while not pressuring me if I don't want to.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "Remember He is the artist and you are only the picture. You can't see it. So quietly submit to be painted... You are in the right way. Walk--don't keep on looking at it.” -C. S. Lewis
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: that while things may not "get better", there will be better days.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how much more sensitive I have become to the suffering of others. I am able to pick up very subtle clues as to when a person is feeling unwell that I previously would not have noticed.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: helping me out while I was on crutches.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want other people with an invisible illness to see that they're not alone.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: honored. Thank you!

illness

Invisible Illness Week

Monday, September 08, 2014

"Awareness is the greatest agent of change." -Eckhart Tolle

"I have a chronic illness." These are some of the hardest words I have ever had to process.

Nobody wants to think of themselves as sick. No one wants to have to consider how an illness will affect their future, career choices, college options, or relationships. No one wants to be forced to accept the fact that their life is completely changed by this string of apparently unpronounceable words now branding them "sick."

But for many of us, this is exactly what we must do. In fact, nearly 1 in 2 Americans is living with a chronic illness. That's approximately 133 million people.

Now, you might be wondering- is it a big deal? Well, the answer is yes. Having a chronic illness affects every area and aspect of the patient's life, as well as the lives of those around them. Depression is 15-20% more likely in those with chronic illness, and in as many as 70% of suicides, physical illness and chronic pain play a huge part. Of these suicides, over half were younger than 35.

"But Ana, why have I never known that? How could I miss it? Why do I not see all of these sick people around me?"

Of the 133 million people in America with chronic illness, approximately 96% of these have an illness that we refer to as "invisible". They don't use a cane, walker, or wheelchair. They have no identifying marks that make them stand out. In fact, they probably look much like you.

These "invisible illnesses" include Diabetes, Lupus, Chronic Fatigue/ME, IBD, Arthritis, Ehler's-Danlos Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Dysautonomia, Multiple Sclerosis, various mental disorders, and many more.

You can't see any physical evidence, but they are struggling. They are hurting. And they are living with a disease that has no cure, and sometimes, very few treatment options at all.

And the fact that their illness is invisible only makes it that much more difficult. When others can see evidence of illness- being bald from cancer treatment, a wheelchair for dealing with paralysis, etc.- patients are met with a certain amount of social stigma. But many people also find that friends, family, and even total strangers are willing to lend a helping hand and offer support.

When there is absolutely no physical evidence of illness, patients are sometimes met with skepticism, disbelief, or suspicion- especially in illnesses with very little awareness or those that are misunderstood. They are accused of not needing a disability car tag or the handicap seat on the train. Doctors don't understand what's going on. Family and friends think they're exaggerating.

When you can't easily find other people like you- people with your same illness- you start to feel isolated. It begins to seem as though you're the only person in the world who is suffering like this. It feels like no one can truly understand.

But the truth is that we are not alone. We are one of many.

And that's why September 8th-14th, 2014, is Invisible Illness Week (IIWk)- to remind all of those suffering from an invisible illness that they are not alone, and to show the public that just because an illness isn't immediately apparent doesn't mean it won't change your life.

IIWk isn't about raising funds, or even just spreading awareness.

It's about spreading hope.

illness

Chronically Hopeful

Thursday, July 31, 2014

"The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair..." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Chronic.

It's an ugly word, and one I don't much like. It sounds so daunting. So final. It's a word that tries to blot out everything else in its presence: joy, freedom, potential... and hope. Especially hope.

Hope that there might be and end in sight. Hope in a possibility that there's something else in store for you. Hope for a life that doesn't involve this illness.

But chronic... That means long-term. Long-lasting. Constant. Unending. Difficult to eradicate. Potentially incurable. That means that this disease- this illness- is your new normal.

For anyone who doesn't already know, I was diagnosed with something called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS. It was last summer that we first started on my health journey, but I realize now that I've been having problems for much longer. (If you want to read more about that, check over here, where I explain what POTS is and how it affects me.)

After getting the diagnosis of POTS, one might assume that my "journey" was over and that I would move to treating it so I could just get on with my life. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that for most people. POTS, for most, isn't an illness on its own. In fact, the majority of the time, it's a sign of a deeper problem- the roots of which go very deep. So deep that we don't even realize they are a problem, because they're just normal to us.

I don't remember exactly when, but a while back, something called Ehler's-Danlos Syndrome was brought to our attention. And- like the good little homeschooler I am- I went and researched. And researched. And researched. Then researched a little more. And it was almost scary because the more I read, the more it felt like I was just reading my own health-biography.

Ehler's-Danlos Syndrome is a genetic disorder affecting your collagen. For some reason, my body produces insufficient collagen that can't do its job correctly; it doesn't hold things together, so I'm too stretchy.

The most obvious repercussion of the "collagen laxity" is joint hypermobility. Having been a dancer my entire life, I never really noticed that I was hypermobile. I realized that people outside of dance couldn't always do everything I could, but I figured it was just because they weren't in dance and I was.

But dance classes can't explain away the fact that all of my fingers are hypermobile. It can't explain the fact that my elbows extend past the normal range. And it certainly cannot explain the other ways EDS manifests itself- stretchy guts, stretchy blood vessels, stretchy skin...

Yes. EDS also affects your skin. Mine isn't extremely involved, but it is mildly stretchy. If you're up for something super weird, Google "Gary 'Stretch' Turner". My skin is nowhere near that extreme, but it is a little stretchy. It's also very soft: to the point of people asking me what product I use. "Oh, it's called genetic mutation. Pretty extreme, but... Whatever works!"

Now, some people- doctors included- make the mistake of assuming that EDS really only affects your skin and joints. But nothing could be further from the truth! Collagen is a huge part of your body, and when it's messed up, a lot of stuff goes haywire. That abnormality in my collagen causes my blood vessels to be too lax, meaning that blood pools in my legs instead of going to my brain, which makes my heart speed up and causes me faint.

Hence the POTS.

It also causes the stomach problems I have. Because my guts are too stretchy, my body has to work harder to get food digested properly. This makes for a lot of issues in the GI tract, because food isn't meant to linger in your stomach for too long, and when it does, it causes nausea, heartburn, poor appetite and/or weight loss, feeling full too quickly, and other unpleasant stuff we won't get into.

So, you see... It's all connected, and it's all a part of me.

That's the thing about EDS- it's not something you acquire, or contract, or could have prevented. It's genetic- that means you're born with it, and you will die with it unless amazing scientific progress is made.

Does this mean I will always be such a mess? Not necessarily. A lot of people go through periods where they're very bad, then get better for a while, and then have another "flare" in their symptoms.

But it does mean that certain things will likely always be harder for me than for "normal" people. It means there is a fairly high possibility of further health problems when I get older...

Sometimes I feel like I get a little glimpse as to why I have this and why it was given to me. I see that I was already given (as part of my personality) some little things that make it easier for me to cope with than it might be for some people. I see the various lessons I have learned through it and how it has brought me closer to God, and I almost begin to understand its purpose here in my life.

But then there are times- the really bad times- where it's just so hard to understand why me. Times when any kind of reason or purpose seems infinitely far away. Times when I can't see any reason why it should have to be this way.

There are times when that word- chronic- is the only thing I can see...

Chronic.

It's one of the worst words for any sick person to hear. We want to hear that we will "get better soon." We want to hear that this is all just a short chapter of our lives, and that with rest and medicine, we'll be back to normal very quickly. We want to hear that there is hope for us.

But chronic... That means we're stuck with this. That means we'll be battling our illness for a very long time. That means it's part of us. That means life as we know it is over, and a new normal begins to set in. That means hope is gone, doesn't it?

But I know that my Savior is greater than my disease. My God is bigger than my small view of the world. There may be incredible pain in my world, but there is beauty, too. There may be darkness, but there is light.

And I may be chronically ill... but I'm also

Chronically Hopeful

(This song is nearly always playing in the background of my mind or my laptop.)

anxiety

The Things We Fear the Most...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." -Christopher Paolini

So, the other day, I published this blog post.

Now for some reason, before I hit that alluring button that says "Publish", I felt... hesitant. Scared even! Looking back on that, I don't really get it. I mean, it's not as though the post was incredibly "controversial" or anything. (At least, not in the circles I run with.)

I guess I tend to get a little nervous anytime I think I'm mentioning something theology related. Because what if I'm wrong? What if I've been confused my entire life? What if I write something that looks good at the time... and then sounds really stupid later?

And I guess it all comes down to one simple question- What if I look silly?..

Yes, it's sad, but I'm sometimes worried about looking silly. I realize- in some small part of my mind- how stupid it is to care so much about how other people perceive me. And I talk a lot about not letting society and your perception of how people perceive you stop you from being yourself. (If that made any sense...)

But for all my fancy-schmancy "hipster" talk, I'm still human. And I'm still a teenage girl. And I'm still self-conscious. As much as I want to have that perfect, "devil-may-care", "caution to the wind", "I'm so comfortable with myself" attitude that some people seem to have, I don't.

At least, not really.

I question, and I agonize, and I go back and forth about whether or not I should publish the blog post. Because my blog posts are not just blog posts. They are a part of me. A little piece of my mind that I've decided to share with anyone who chooses to look. They are my personality, my gift, and my escape.

But on Tuesday, July 15th, I decided to just get over myself and push the button. I put aside my fears and insecurities to put myself out there- not really knowing what I hoped to achieve, but knowing that what was done was done.

Within 30 minutes, I had my first comment on Facebook saying "I just read your latest blog and it was incredible! Not only are you an amazing writer, you're also an amazing Christian! That post was something I really needed to read, thanks for sharing!" And before the day was out, my post had reached 290 people.

290 people!!!

Pretty amazing, right?

And this isn't even the first time something like that has happened! In fact, I had an almost identical experience last year when I was writing and preparing to publish When All You Have Is Fishes. I was so scared to post that one, and yet that was what really kicked off my "Living Water Hats" venture... or whatever you want to call it.

And I'm coming to realize that sometimes it's the thing you fear the most that means the most in the end. But really- think about it? How many amazing experiences would I have missed (would you have missed!) if we had avoided something simply because it's scary.

Just think- if I had let fear control me, I would never have started this blog. And if I had never started this blog, I would never have shared about my Living Water Hats. And if I had never shared about my hats, I would never have had the experience of raising a thousand dollars to send to Asia. And If I hadn't had that experience, I never would have seen how God took my little hats and turned it into something that touched so many people. And if I (or, rather, God through me) had never touched so many people, than I might never have been able to bless even more people by sending a well to Asia.

So you see, sometimes we just need to swallow our fears, get over ourselves and the possibility of looking silly, and just do it.

friends

Don't Treat People Like Hangers

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

"Friendship is selfless love, care, respect, and honor- not a profitable opportunity." -Santosh Kalwar

I decided I was in a cleaning mood, yesterday. I'm not sure exactly why, but I was. Perhaps it was because I had nothing better to do. Perhaps it was because the room was messy, and God knew that me being in a "cleaning mood" was likely the only reason my room would get cleaned. Perhaps it was because I have plans for painting, and you have to have a clean room before you paint.

Whatever the reason was, it doesn't matter that much in the end.

Especially because when I get in a cleaning mood, I tend to go all out. It's not enough to just pick up stuff on the floor. It's not enough just to sort out my drawers. It's not even enough to do both! Because this was not a clean-what-you-can-see kind of mood. This was a deep-clean-like-there's-no-tomorrow kind of mood.

So I did.

I cleaned out my drawers, re-sorted, and filled up two trash bags of "get rid of." I cleaned out from under the bed. (Probably the scariest job of the day, I'll admit. I may be fifteen, but I still get a little jumpy due to the whole "monsters under the bed" thing. And by monsters, I mean spiders.) And I completely clean out my closet!

The closet was probably my favorite job of the night, because it involved a lot of sorting. And I love sorting.

I pulled all of the clothes out of the closet, pulled them off their hangers, and sorted them into piles of dresses, coats, costumes, and skirts. As I did that, I sorted the hangers between "good hangers" and "bad hangers". The bad hangers were sorted into two more piles- the "fixable" hangers, and the ones that were just plain trash.

It was as I duct-taped these "fixable" hangers that I had an epiphany- we sometimes treat people like hangers.

What I mean is that we see people who have messed up in their lives- maybe they're doing drugs, or they're alcoholics, or living with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe they're in jail. Or maybe they just have too much baggage. And we come to the conclusion that they're just not fixable. They've hurt us so much, they've messed up so badly... They're too far gone, so we might as well just throw them away.

It's easy to feel that way when people continue to mess up. From the outside looking in, it seems plain what they should do. We see what they're doing wrong and how they could do better, but they don't. And when we continue to see them do things that hurt themselves or others, we start to feel like they're just not worth it anymore. We distance ourselves from them; "bad company corrupts good morals", so I don't really have to love them anymore.

Yet... that's not what God does, is it? Humanity has turned its back on God so many times throughout history. God could have turned His back on us, too; we deserved it.

But God didn't leave us.

He didn't let us wander alone in our sin and mistakes. Jesus entered a world full of sin and pain. He dined with prostitutes and tax collectors. He touched the leper to heal him. And He loved us so much that he allowed Himself to suffer at the hands of sinners to save us who were sinners.

There's a line in a new song called It Was Love that goes "It wasn't nails that held You to the cross- it was love." Couldn't Jesus have saved Himself? Probably. But someone had to die. (Romans 6:23) Someone had to pay for the sins we had committed.

And by all rights, it should have been us.

But Jesus loved us so much that He became the ultimate sacrifice for sins that weren't His.

So if we are called to be the image of Christ, than shouldn't we ministering to and loving these people- despite their past, their baggage, their mistakes... How can we claim to be His hands and feet if we don't love the least of these???

"The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' "

hollywood

True Love?

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." -C. S. Lewis

Love- perhaps the most important "four letter" word ever, and yet we (as a culture and a people) really seem to have forgotten what love actually means.

We use and abuse the word love all the time- attaching it to everything from movies, to food, to hot celebrities. If you look at the real definition of love (as given to us by the one who knows it best), you see that love is sacrifice. "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." Consider that in the context of modern culture's usage of the word-

"I [would die for] X-Men!"
"Cheese is so good! I [would die for] it."
"Benedict Cumberbatch is amazing. I [would die for] his acting!"

Yeah... I don't think most of us actually take that into account when we say we "love" all sorts of things. I mean, I don't know about you, but as much as I like cheese, I'm not gonna die for it. That's just silly!

And that's not the only way society has lost sight of what true love is- take most any Disney Princess movie, for instance. I'm not even going to go into the whole "marrying a man you met that day" thing, because that's too much to delve into right now. But here's what I do want to mention...

In most movies (Disney or otherwise), "true love" is shown as a guy and a girl who are destined to get married. The Princess (or the Prince in a few cases) is saved from the terrible spell by "true love's kiss".

Now, there's nothing wrong with this picture of love, because this can be love. (Like I said, I'm not going into the whole "marrying someone you only met that day" thing.) People who get married should truly love each other.

But I firmly believe that the love between a parent and their child, between siblings, between friends, and even between strangers (see "The Good Samaritan") is true love. It's a very different kind of love, to be sure, but it's still true love.

So... taking into account what I just said, I have actually been very refreshed by some of the newer movies that Disney has come out with. I've noticed a lot of people complaining about the rise of "feminism" in Disney movies. They want more "old-fashioned" fairy-tales like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc.

But what I like about these movies isn't their use of "girl power", or any perceived insinuation that guys aren't needed. (Because I don't really agree with that.) What I like about these movies is that they are opening up to the idea that true love might be more than just "romantic." In Brave, they showed us the true love between a mother and daughter. In Frozen, we saw true love between two sisters. And with Maleficent... well, I won't spoil it for you if you haven't seen the movie, but if you have, than you ought to know what I'm talking about.

So... Does this mean that Hollywood finally understands what love actually means? That it's more than just warm, fuzzy feelings of attraction to someone else? Em... Probably not.

But now... for just a little while... they sort of got close.

family

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

"Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father." -Lydia Maria Francis Child

Dear Daddy,

It's Father's Day- the day we celebrate Dads. And you know what that means? I'm celebrating you. And you know what one of the best ways to celebrate someone is? To thank them. So...

Thank you, Daddy! Thank you for reading bedtime stories to me, even when I fell asleep. Thank you for all of the times you carried me to bed and tucked me in. Thank you for introducing me to such classics as Narnia, Wrinkle in Time, and Lord of the Rings. Thank you for not making me watch Watership Down. But most of all, thank you for just being my Daddy.

I still remember the first time you ever said "I don't know." I was pretty small at the time (and I'm certain you've said it plenty of times since), and I was simply shocked that there might be something you didn't know. It had never even occurred to me that you might not know everything.

Daddy, I realize you're not perfect. I realize that you sometimes get mad, or have a bad day. I realize that life can get you down. You're only human, after all! But you're still my amazing Daddy. You still love me so much, and I still love you. Being your daughter is such a joy, and I cannot imagine life without you.

Thank you for constantly reminding me how much you love me- whether it is from a hug, a pat on the head, or taking me to see the new X-Men movie. I can see your love for me and all of our family in so many different ways, one of the biggest being your empathy. I know that you hurt when I hurt- which has been all too frequently this past year.

Thank you for all of the prayers when I can't sleep, and the gentle hugs on those days when "even my hair hurts." Thank you for all of the heartfelt conversations. Thank you for every little moment spent on the couch. Thank you for working so hard every day so that we have everything we need, and even some things that we don't.

Daddy, no matter what happens, or how the future years turn out, I will always love you. You have taught me so much, and I cannot say thank you enough. I love you!

Because I just had to... :)

family

To My Mommy

Saturday, May 10, 2014

“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.” -Jane Sellman

Dear Mommy,

Mother's Day is here, and I don't think even a novel could really cover everything I want to say. This year has been a crazy one, and has reminded me how thankful and blessed I am to be your daughter.

Mommy, you are awesome. Thank you for letting me call you Mommy, and not ma'am. Thank you for making me laugh when I'm feeling down. Thank you for making so many wonderful memories with me. Thank you for putting up with all the insane dance and theater schedules, and for pushing me to get over my fear so that I could do something you knew I would enjoy. But most of all, thank you for always being there.

You've been with me through every doctor's appointment and every doctor's bill. You've been with me when I was dancing on the stage, and when I was curled up on the couch feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Through every popping joint, every upset stomach, every poke with a needle... You were there.

No matter what I'm going through, I know that you're right beside me. You tell me that it's going to be OK. You make me laugh, but you also remind me that it's alright to cry sometimes. You remind me take my medicine and drink plenty of water, and you always forgive me when I forget something. Even when it was important!

Mommy, you inspire me. I know that you don't always get the thanks and appreciation you deserve. (If you did, we would give you a paycheck!) You have one of the hardest jobs in the world- being a mom. But you keep on doing it. No matter how many times you threaten to run off and join the circus, you're still here. And you still love us. And you still care for us.

When I look at how much you have to deal with every day- sick kids, stinky diapers, whining, messiness, and a constant list of things to do- I am amazed. Amazed that you manage to not go completely insane. Amazed that you never give up. And amazed that you do it so well.

Mommy, you have taught me so much over the years, and you continue to teach me each and every day. You teach me about life, and about happiness. You teach me what it means to be a mother, and to love unconditionally. You teach me that every gift is appreciated, no matter the price-tag attached to it. You teach me to be independent, even though I know you would love for me to always be little.

You have always encouraged me to do and be the best that I can, both in dance and in life. And yet you also remind me that sometimes, things happen. Sometimes we don't win. And that's OK. Because you've always loved me, and you always will. You have taught how to lose with grace, while still reminding me that to you, I'll always be a winner.

Mommy, if ever I am a mother, I hope I can be just a little bit like you. Thanks for being part of my life, and for being such an amazing mom. Words cannot contain how much I love you. Love is really more of an open door anyways, so I'll just leave it at that.

I love you, Mommy!

Thank you for not naming me phone!

growing up

All Children Must Grow Up...

Saturday, May 03, 2014

"All children, except one, grow up." -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Alright. I'm not Peter Pan. And I don't care to be. I see that growing up is necessary, and I see that there are many things about growing up that give it a meaning, a purpose, and even a little bit of excitement about it.

However, I am discovering that being a teenager is just so much more complicated than being a child... All sorts of things make this a difficult time in one's life, and I don't understand why I ever thought it would be cool.

Alright. I suppose I do. The increased independence and freedom that comes with being older is pretty nice. I like being trusted with bigger things, and that I am able to do more and go to more places on my own. (Not that I've ever been one of those people who wants too much independence or responsibility...)

Yet I can also see why C. S. Lewis called this "the silliest part of one's life" in The Last Battle. Because it really is. You're too old to truly be called a child anymore, but too young to be a full-grown adult. And did I mention how complicated things can get? Maybe- but it's so true, that it warrants mentioning more than once. For certain.

When you get to be a certain age (usually after about fifteen or so) people start expecting you to be looking at colleges. Sure, three years may seem like a long time at the moment, but in reality, it goes by a lot faster than you might think it would. Which means that, in spite of still feeling "young and free" (or at least wanting to be), we start to feel pressure to get it all together and have a plan made out for ourselves.

All of the uncertainty and pressure to figure it all out gets so overwhelming. You feel like you need to have it all together and be ready to march off to college the minute you get that high-school diploma. But does anyone really know exactly how their life will go when they turn 18? Is it some magic number that turns you into an adult overnight?

This is definitely something that I've been working on lately, because I'm starting to be more aware about what I plan to do when I grow up. I do hope to go to college and have a career, because there is so much that I am passionate about, and I want to use my passion to help other people.

For a long time, I've wanted to be a nurse. Lately though, I've been entertaining the notion of becoming a physical therapist or physical therapist assistant. The slight interest in a different field means that I have to start looking at all sorts of things that I hadn't even thought about before. Good PT programs, what I want for my bachelor's degree, etc.

It's so much to process. So much that you just have to get right. I mean, this decides the course of your entire life, doesn't it? Or does it...

At times, I want to go back to a few years ago and simply stay there. In a time and place where everything was simple, and black and white, and my biggest decisions involved whether to eat cereal or toast for breakfast.

But everyone must grow up. There's no way around it. So when I feel anxious about what the future (or even the present) holds for me, and when life just seems full of unnecessary complications, I take a step back. Take a deep breath. And remember who's really in control.